Dave's birthday is Saturday and boy could I tell it was coming! I've learned this week that I need to be brutally honest with myself if I'm going to get beyond this anxiety. As I was doing my post in Facebook I realized how many lives my not listening to my Father to begin with effected. It's hard but something that is so necessary for me to move on. I thought things were going really well but then this last couple of weeks anxiety hit hard, similar in strength to early last year. But the anxiety level has significantly decreased since I admitted to myself my part right at the beginning. The part where my Father answered my prayer about marrying in a still small voice. He told me it wouldn't last. I choose to ignore it and get married anyway. After all, Dave was the father of my daughter and I did love him. That was my human reasoning. But my Father knew what the result would be. After all it does tell us to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers and that's what I did. It's impossible to fully commit oneself when the one you're married to doesn't believe. Now no one, who once knew him, knows where Dave is at. (Except our Father and I'm very thankful for that assurance.) There is still a piece missing that I need to work on, I can feel it, but for now I'm clueless what it might be! I'll pray about it, after all that's what finally opened up a part of what I needed to seek forgiveness for. We heard at convention that the smallest unforgiven sin will keep us out of heaven. I'm thankful that our Father is merciful and reveals those sins that we need to seek forgiveness for. It's just so real to me how careful I need to be in decisions that I make. Seek my Father's input on the decisions and LISTEN and OBEY. He knows the results, we can save a lot of heartache. We heard about needless sorrow and needless tears at convention too. When all is said and done this falls into that category. I am very thankful though for his mercy! He was giving me strength months before Dave left. I knew I was getting spiritually stronger, I could feel it, but until after Dave left I had no clue why. Looking back I can't say that the strength that I was receiving equaled my actions. I was getting better at prayer/reading but wasn't even close to where I needed to be. I've always been in awe of that and always will be most likely. I apologize for the rambling, I'm typing as it comes and this is literally a therapy post for me! I'm hoping that those that read it will realize the long term consequences of not listening to our Father, not obeying. Who would have thought that my marriage would go where it did? Who would have thought how many tears would be shed? The severity of Dave's actions would be? Did we have good years? Yes! Does he now know more about our Father and his Son? I'd like to think so! He knows what to look for if he ever becomes willing. But the root of all of it.... I'm very thankful for my daughters. Each has struggled in their own way. Christina, especially, has struggled with it but I do believe that progress is being made. Thank you so much for all the love and care and prayers! It means a lot!!!
Now to figure out what I still need to work on.....
