Recovery Progress: November 2018

Saturday, November 17, 2018

8 years- A bit of rambling about those 8 years

In just over a month it will have been eight years since Dave left. I look over those years and just feel a deep thankfulness for a Father that supplies strength and insight when I'm willing to be honest with myself. After Dave left it caused me to take a serious look at myself. It was tough because there were things that I definitely would have changed. My attitude in some things left a lot to be desired. I really feel like I was treading a thin line spiritually as well and that was scary! That alone is what really makes me thankful for the way everything has turned out. I know some people think I'm crazy to be thankful but if it means an eye opening look at what's inside me, that's invaluable in my mind. I really hope lessons have been learned. Sometimes though it's a major struggle!!! And friends and family. They were HUGE in helping us through the tough times. I have wonderful friendships with several people that I wouldn't have gotten to know if not for Dave leaving. I can't thank everyone enough for all that was done!

One wonders when something first happens if it'll ever get better. It DOES get better over time. BUT it doesn't, at least for me, completely go away. Dave is in my thoughts a fair amount actually but there's a reassurance that in time all works out. I do still have anxiety during holidays and special days that have no holiday connected to them. I just feel super off and the stomach likes to clinch. Often times though it takes me a bit to figure out why I'm having issues because over all life is good! Why would there be anxiety when life is good? Then it dawns on me what's going on. Subconscious memories are amazing. The body knows and is going to acknowledge those special times whether I like it or not!! I've noticed the move has pushed the time period the anxiety lasts back out to about a week. For the most part it was down to just a couple of days before each time before leaving Portland. The good thing is once I figure out what the issue is it's easier to handle and isn't quite so bad as it was before I figured it out. Kind of weird but that's the way my body works. Every person is different but if someone reading this has issues sometimes and can't figure it out, look back and think about what may have happened in the past around that time period. Really think about it because sometimes it's buried deep in the subconscious! A lot of times acknowledging what happened makes things a lot easier to deal with. On a side note- There are some that wonder why I still have issues, or so I hear, after this long. You don't just 'get over' someone you've loved for many a year, someone who just walked away. It's okay to still be dealing with it, in that I'm very comfortable. We have two wonderful kids together and one of those kids now has two girls of her own. It is heartbreaking that those granddaughters do not know their grandfather. I know that he'd be wonderful with them! (Yes, I completely believe that Dave is still alive and out there somewhere. I also believe there was a touch and go moment several weeks after he left.)

That first year was the slowest year of my life. It dragged on and on and on. It wasn't until September that I was able to get out and start networking for my business. Even then it was touch and go. There were a few times the tears still flowed pretty easily but for the most part it was getting better. I remember driving down the road and bawling as I went. I wondered what people thought that were in the cars next to me. A person knows when I'm crying! Really red eyes and nose. A LOT of networking was done for several years. I would say over all I didn't get a lot of work from it but it did put me in contact with the community (chamber) and taught me to put myself out there more. I'm naturally a very introverted person so it was tough. I guess the business grew more 'organically' (the term used now a days). Advertising was tried but it didn't work. Absolutely ZERO work was derived from it and I tried for a couple of years. Work came when I needed it. When I was ready for the next client it just seemed to happen. The last 3-4 years no networking was done. Again, I really feel my Father was simply looking out for me. This business was how the bills got paid, how the food got bought etc. When Dave left I had about 10 clients I would say. When I moved to Idaho this year there were 55 clients that I worked with regularly and around 20 more that were now and again. The business was going awesome and I was having my best year yet when I left. I quite frankly wasn't even thinking about moving but the 60-70 hour weeks were getting to me. As I've said before, my Father was in this move. It was time to leave and to start over. Now all that being said, if it wasn't for my business and for everything that was done over the years, I could not have done my current job. I had to have those 22 years of experience with my own business to have this current job. I really feel like this job is the next step in the journey that is planned. I don't know what is planned for the future but I do know there is a promise made that will eventually happen. I just don't know if it'll be next year or 20 years from now. I feel like it may be sooner rather then later but only time will tell. I'm still not sure if I'll have a few clients on the side here.... I have 4 still from Portland. Guess time will tell! I do thoroughly enjoy clean-up work. Bringing the numbers back into line with where they need to be. Maybe I could talk with CPA's here about one of those now and again...

After all that rambling, I'm loving my life as it is now but if there needs to be a change somewhere along the way I'm good with that as well. Our Father has plans that I know nothing about but when it's time for the next step I want to be completely willing, whatever that next step in life is. Change can be hard but when done with the right attitude change can be comforting and rewarding as well.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Busy October!

Hard to believe two months have gone by!!

There was a day in September that I got to experience a bit more of the farm life. Rode in tractor for a bit and then we went to a field and I got to briefly ride on a potato digger. That was fascinating! Then we went to the cellars and I got a tour of a couple of those. It's amazing how much can fit into a cellar!! Hundreds of thousands of potatoes! Pictures below!

Then there was the applesauce canning. Funny story there. Went looking all over Twin Falls for a hot water bath. Walmart, Target, Freddies and a couple of other stores I can't remember the name of. No sign of a hot water bath much less the accessories. So I went home and ordered it on-line. A month later I'm in the local grocery store and low and behold... There's the hot water bath and I know it would have been there if I'd looked there first since it was covered in dust! Go an hour one way only to find out it was 5 minutes down the road. Ah well!! I actually still have another batch of applesauce to process!

Last month was a very busy month between having company in and out for a couple of weeks and then going and seeing Christina for 3 days. My brother and his wife came up and visited for a couple of days. I took them around to see the sites. They even got to dig for potatoes! :) Got them enough for a couple of months anyway! Then went to Twin Falls to meet with Bonnie S. and we spent the afternoon with her doing a bit more of seeing the sites. The end of October I went over to Idaho Falls on Thursday and left after G. Meeting on Sunday. We went to Yellowstone on Friday. Saw lots and lots of sites but barely any wildlife which was a bummer but certainly got plenty of exercise!! According to my phone almost 5 miles of walking, 32 floors climbed and over 13,000 steps!! WHEW!! 😃 But the sites were gorgeous!! Ends up that it was almost exactly a year to the day that we went to Yellowstone last year.

We had a really good rain here one day last month. It was pretty much a Pacific NW rain day. Rained the whole day and it wasn't just a drizzle. We had just over an inch fall here in a day. Considering that this area only gets 12" of precipitation a year. That was a lot!! It, unfortunately, exposed an issue with the garage side door. :( Since there weren't any gutters (went up this last week) on the house the rain dripping off the roof then splashed and found its way into the garage. Turns out it's probably been a problem from the get go. (Melting snow seeping in as well I'd guess). When pulling the stuff framing the door back there's mold so the whole thing needs pulled and redone. There's also a covering being put over the door and heat pump. The guy doing it has worked on it the last couple of weekends and has the covering almost done. So the door may be next this weekend!

This last week I managed to catch the flu bug going around but am hoping that the preventive measures that didn't work at keeping it bay will at least keep length of whatever it is down. So far, from what I've heard and observed, it tends to last a month or more. Feeling quite a bit better after 8 days so hoping the end is in sight! Missed work for most the week last week.

It was a wonderful day today! The thought that has really stuck with me is something that I read this morning. Self restraint is not the same as complete willingness. Self restraint is not speaking one's mind because you know you shouldn't but murmuring in the heart about it. Complete willingness is not speaking one's mind simply because it's what my Father is laying on my heart to do (or in this case not do!). I hadn't really thought about it that way before. I heard another story today of a lost soul being found. I love hearing those stories. It just shows how when one is ready for the Father's work they will be found! It's pretty amazing and confirming! Met a young couple from New Mexico that drive a truck for a living. It was wonderful to visit with them to and from G. Meeting!! Found out she knows my cousin that labored in New Mexico for a while. Special times. It's beyond amazing to be able to have a connection with people that you don't know and yet are able to visit comfortably with. Another thought shared today was the devil wants to distract us. And he uses things that are considered 'good' to do it. There's a lot of good things out there to do but they block our Father's voice from being heard. I've got so much work to do!!! It's a bit overwhelming!

Things have been going awesome at work. It's hard to believe that in just over a month and a half that a new year will be starting!! Then it'll have been 8 full years since Dave left. Think a lot about him and sure do pray that he is doing okay.