Hard to believe we're into our 11th year of Dave being gone. To be honest the last couple of months last year were hard. It's been a while since the anxiety was that prevalent. And with anxiety comes hot flashes. I suspect the anxiety triggers hot flashes for me. There's a lot of change happening in my own life this year that's connected with other people and I think it triggered a subconscious fear of big change. That has actually just occurred to me as I type this. I KNOW what big change does/means and my body is saying, NO! Not again!! But that's where depending on my Father to help comes in. He has helped me through many, many things and this will be no different! As always I find it super interesting how we can react so subconsciously to begin with.
The huge change for me personally is I'm going to be caring for my Aunt. She has been in the ministry for many, many years and now needs to step aside. Some may know that her mom had dementia and it looks like she's headed down that path as well. She loves being outside and I have a decent lot for her to do what she'd like come Spring! I'll need to have her pick some things she'd like to grow! Luckily there's a very good support system here, it's just more the huge change it'll mean. I just found out last week that she'll be here near the end of January so its coming quick. Thankfully, my work is allowing me to switch to working from home more then not once she's here. Another big change is Christina has signed up for the Airforce. She'll go sometime in March. She's hoping to figure out exactly what she'll do this next week. And the third I'm aware of is Erika is due in May with her 4th child! This one is a boy as well so the two boys will be 18 months apart as well. (Her two girls are 18 months apart also) That's the first half of the year, we'll see what the second half brings when it comes around! :)
So far I've managed to avoid Covid! It's made it's way around the office at work. Several have gotten it but so far so good! We're living in some truly historic times. And really historic in every which way. My belief is that things will happen as they need to and no matter how hard we try to change them; it will be what it needs to be. I just need to be close to my Father and that brings peace amongst the chaos.
I will add this. I am so ready to know what happen with Dave, to know where he's at, to try and understand all that happened. There's so many times that I've looked back at what I was, at things I did, things I said and just want to kick myself. Would it have changed anything, no clue, but there were so many ways I could have been so much kinder. We never know what the next day will bring, we don't necessarily know what is going on inside someone else, what they're trying to cope with and how what we say will affect them. Dave didn't express struggles for the most part so I was clueless just how bad things apparently were. Looking back there were some things that I now realize were clues of issues but at the time I was beyond clueless. Anyone reading this, we often get comfortable in relationships and just start assuming everything is okay, or if they're not that they're there for the long haul. There's snips and snaps at each other as you get on each other's nerves. Are those snips and snaps solved at day end or do they carry on? Be aware that there may come a day when someone suddenly throws in the towel and is gone. I loved Dave then and I'd say now I at least love him as a friend. We had a lot of years together and had two wonderful daughters and, although he's never met them, we have 3 (soon to be 4) wonderful grandchildren. I'm sincerely hoping that one day soon it'll all come to light. Some days I feel like it'll be soon and other days not so much.
