Habits....

It's become quite real to me this time how ingrained habits can be, ingrained to the point of us not even realizing it! This month I couldn't figure out why the anxiety that had been gone for a little suddenly showed back up. Dave's birthday is this month but not until the end of the month. I realized though that this is when we'd start really pushing him for what he wanted for his birthday. My subconscious mind remembered that and triggered that anxiety of another broken routine. I'm learning to cope with the anxiety better now, at least once I figure out the root cause of it! It got me to thinking of other habits that we form and aren't even aware of anymore because they are so ingrained. How many habits are hindering my spiritual growth? I need to do some serious looking at my daily routines, weekly routines etc. They could even be routines that happen only at certain times of the year, as with the 'firsts' that we're dealing with this year. This is a year of really huge changes and I want to use those changes grow stronger spiritually. Am so thankful we have a Father that we can ask for help from, a Father that will give us strength if we're willing to ask. A Father that will make it possible for me to continue to grow spiritually and have inner peace even in the worst of times.

A dear friend gone....

About a week and half ago a dear friend passed away. She was only 35. It sure helps bring into perspective even more the saying "You never know what tomorrow will bring". In her case there are no more tomorrows. No more time to make sure that the life lived is what would be acceptable to our Father. No more time to live a life that would bring salvation. In her case there's no doubt in my mind that she loved our Father, that she received salvation. There was almost always a smile on her face. Life didn't necessarily bring her what she wanted, I know there were some things she wanted but just weren't meant to be. So she lived for others, and especially kids. She was a special, special lady and has left an even deeper longing in my heart to draw closer and closer to our Father. That's what life is about.

Bit Better....

Life is continuing on. Overall it hasn't been too bad at all. There are just those days that are a bit harder then others. I've pretty much reached the point that although I love and care for Dave, I'm a lot more worried about him for his souls sake. I don't really mind if we ever get together just that he comes around spiritually to where our Father can work on him. We've been on our own for close to 7 months now and are building a new life, so if he were to decide to make contact but not come back home I think we'd be okay. Especially if he isn't interested in meetings. It'd be hard, I know that, but after this long on our own it'd be okay. I just love the way it has all worked out though. Looking back over the last months, and even before that, I can see the our Father's hand in our lives. The preparing so to speak before Dave left and just the guiding and comforting since. There's a verse I've really appreciated this last week in 1 John. "Perfect love casts out fear" to know I can go through life without fear because I have a Father that knows exactly what I need and when I have complete love and trust in Him then those needs (not wants) will be taken care of. No fear wondering where life is going to take me because I know that whatever happens is for the best. It's in our human nature to worry though, wonder when the jobs are coming in (very slowly trickling in, maybe a new client tomorrow?). It's a fight against the human nature, but with prayer it's doable!

We heard tonight that He doesn't save us from the experience but IN the experience. Daniel was put in the den of lions (the experience) but the mouth of the lions was closed (saved IN the experience). We need to go through experiences to grow spiritually. We won't know the power of our Father unless we go THROUGH experiences, then He can show us His power. But we need to pray for that help, acknowledge we need it.

Convention season is just around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it. So thankful for those who have stayed faithful and for the examples set.

4th of July

18 years ago today my husband proposed to me, just over 6 months ago it came to an end. We never know what is around the corner. I'm very thankful for the good years we had. It at least allowed a seed to be planted. Whether it grows or not only time will tell. Each one of us is given a chance to choose our Father's way or turn our back on it. I'm just so very thankful for the strength that can be found when I'm willing. I can honestly say I'm doing pretty well for the most part now, there's iffy moments now and again but I'm sure that'll happen for quite a while to come! There's such a comfort in knowing that there's a purpose to everything and it's only for our betterment that things happen, even the really tough experiences. I know i'm repeating myself but there's no way I could be where I'm at unless Dave had disappeared. As strange as it seems, although i love the guy dearly and miss him, it's probably the best thing that could have happened to me spiritually. I still don't know what's in store for Christina and I. My business is very slow still but with conventions coming up and preps starting in a month that might not be a bad thing!! I'm looking forward to being able to do more there this year and that will only be possible if business stays slow. On a side note I'm able to sit in my chair in the living room and see fireworks from the street behind us. It appears there's a new person on the block because that has never happened before! Pretty when they set them off but the cats aren't so happy about it because it's pretty loud since it so close!!

Rose Parade, B-Day, Fathers Day...

All are within one week basically. Today was the parade. It was a tradition with us to get up nice and early and drive in so we could have a good place to park and to sit. We decided not to go and besides that Christina had a fund raiser thing for SkillsUSA at 11am, right in the middle of the parade. I was very surprised how hard today was. I guess those tradition things get you! Luckily that really is the only tradition day we had that wasn't connected to a special day. Now comes my birthday and then Fathers Day.  Dave was the one that gave me my "main" present and Fathers Day speaks for itself. It sure makes me thankful for the comfort that we can have spiritually. It's such a struggle to keep the mind from dwelling on scenarios. Some days I have real good success, other days (like today) a horrible time. I think the devil knows when the bumps will come and jumps right in at the most vulnerable time. I keep picturing the thoughts being booted out and they keep creeping back in. GRRR!!! My thoughts keep going back to the shield of Faith. Deeper and deeper trust in our Father, that's one of the keys. He knows and plans the way.
I am frustrated with the lack of work, no matter how hard I try. And various means that I go about seem to not do anything. One of the CPA's I talked with said that they're letting people know and I know other's have as well. So I guess it's still not time for things to happen yet! There seems to be an occasional blip where something just seems to "work out". Not job wise but just kind of a step in allowing something to happen, kind of like winning 500 free business cards at a networking event last week. I needed those cards and it just kind of worked out. So I guess I need to stop the impatience and just let things work the way they will. I can't stop doing my part job wise but when things (or I am) ready to go then the ground work is laid. I do believe part of it is that I'm still not completely ready. It's amazing how there is a definite process, naturally speaking, that people go through in times of trauma. Having that help spiritually definitely helps, helps you get over each step quicker, but it DOESN'T stop the step by step process from happening. That's really where we can show our love to our Father and develop a deeper relationship with Him and His Son.

Next step

I truly thought most steps had been taken in this process but it hit me yesterday while I was mowing the yard that that isn't so. :(  There's a reason I've been having trouble getting completely motivated for work. If I am to be completely honest with myself it has to do with hoping that Dave will pop back into our lives and I won't have to worry about working full time to make ends meet. So now I need to work on that. I know that there's a good chance that even if he were to eventually show up that it could be years before it happened. I know my husband. So now comes the getting my heart and mind to the point where it's completely accepted. This up in the air part is very hard to get over. Everytime I think I'm over the hump I realize that there's still a ways to go. My deepest hope is that our Father would use me in whatever way is most profitable and that my husband would allow that seed that was planted over the last few years to grow.

5 months....

It's hard to believe that it's only been 5 months. It really feels like much long then that! We're pretty much into a normal routine now. Unfortunately business pretty much stinks. As I've said many times before, there IS a purpose for the way things happen. I'm not sure the purpose for me getting no new accounts but I know it'll become obvious down the road. There have been a couple of opportunities that have seemed VERY promising only to fall through and not happen at all. So time will tell! At least I do know that I have a Father that will always be there for me. That helps tremendously!  And I have some absolutely wonderful friends that have been there the whole way. So thankful for them! Never thought I'd be where I am after only 5 months. Life does indeed go on and with Faith we too can go on with the assurance there is One that will always be there for us and love us.