Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Erika to Dave "Can we start over?"

Hey.....

    For starters there has not been
one.single.day that I haven't thought about you...thought about where you are....are you alive or not!, what you are doing if you are alive, if you already knew the people you see daily, before or if you met them after, what you are feeling/thinking, when I will see you again, how would I react if/when I see you, what mom/Christina will think/feel and of course what will Grandma do?? All of those questions, all different scenarios....I think about it everyday.
 
You need to understand: I'm not mad. I am disappointed and saddened at times but never mad. Mainly because I don't know what made you leave, I don't know the thoughts that solidified your decision(if it has in fact always been your choice) BUT it never has nor ever will be my place to judge you for your choices, I can only accept what has been done and move forward with the best intentions. 


And maybe it's selfish of me...or hopeful...but in every scenario where you come back you see me first. I know we had a different relationship, it was always you and me and Mom and Christina. Not that we weren't all a team but I know they have always understood each other better just as we had an understanding for each other. And I know now, that I didn't value what we had enough.
I wish I could have realized how I was treating you 4 years ago, really much longer than that but especially around that time. I can't change how I acted, yes I was selfish and didn't care enough about others like I could have but I can only hope that you would be able to forgive and move past that as well. I was young and naive (I still am, I'm not sure at what point in our lives we ever think we know everything and aren't naive in a certain ways) but I have grown so much more in the last four years than I could imagine. So I want to thank you for making me a part of a hard situation that I could learn immensely from. 

I always looked up to you and always wanted to impress you but I understand now I didn't always show that. Others can't tell what we think in our heads and we did that a lot...stayed in our heads. Even though I felt we had a strong relationship we never talked about things below the surface and I would change that if you returned. I want to know about you, how are you feeling, what are you thinking.  

I can understand why you would have resentment towards all of us and want to get out of the "situation" that you were in.....with a family that you felt didn't value and appreciate exactly the person you were/are. And you're valid to feel and think that because we didn't. But all four of us are at fault for that, our lack of good communication within the family was severely lacking and we can't change what we don't know is wrong. Now, that's not to say if you had spoken up about things that we would have changed but the opportunity would have been given. In no way am I trying to put blame anywhere because as I said before I see now what I was doing wrong and have put effort into changing and continue to put effort towards changing for the better. I hope you have been doing the same because I can only wish for you to be able to find happiness. 

Everyone affected by your disappearance has changed for better and worse at times...because of this things would be very different now, I'm not sure how but I can only hope that we could start from scratch; in a way and I could show you how much I appreciate you and am so thankful that you are my father. I can only hope that you could be happy, I feel like you probably weren't for a very long time. You are very private but I wish I would have tried to understand your feelings more when you were here. I want to thank you for everything you taught me while you were around. How to be a good person, caring, thoughtful, helpful, gracious. goofy....I miss our goofiness. I think about it a lot because I know you would have so much fun with our girls. Teagan and Scarlet, they are so smart and fun, you would love them. I wish everyday that they will be able to meet you someday...someday soon. They are young enough that they wouldn't know what happened and wouldn't have any preconceptions about you, they would just love you for be their amazing grandpa, because you would be amazing! One day, years from now, they will hear about the one day you disappeared and how we know nothing about what happened to you. But I hope that the story can be different, I hope that they will know you by that time.  

I know I'm writing a book, and if you are still reading.....I love you, I love you so much. What you did wasn't right. There were better ways to get out of your situation if that is indeed why you left. BUT it's not something that is unforgivable, I have forgiven you, I did a long time ago. It was easier for me because I have learned so much about myself through this experience and I am grateful for what I have learned. Because of this situation I have become a stronger, more compassionate person and I can only thank you for that. I have been shown how selfish I was as a kid/teen and young adult. I'm not saying I'm perfect now but I am aware and changing daily to become as selfless as possible. There are so many good qualities in you that I want to pass on to my children and I am thankful to have had you as an example.

       I miss my father though, I miss your support in everything, I miss your laughter, I miss your voice, your hugs, your smiles, your teachings. There is not one thing about you that I don't miss, everything that I used to get so annoyed about I wish I could have the chance to even be annoyed about now because I wouldn't be. I want to show you the woman I have become and am changing to be. I want to prove to you what an awesome human being you created and mini-beings that have come from that. 

I don't have any negative feelings toward you just sadness in place of anger. Sadness because of what you are missing and deciding to not be a part of. This is no one's doing but your own...unless something really did happen to you due to someone else's doing, I think about that and it breaks my heart if that is what really happened. 

There are many things I hope for:
     I hope that you are safe and okay. I hope one day you can find happiness, I hope one day to know what happened, I hope that it isn't just pride that is keeping you from coming back if indeed you did leave on your own will. If it is pride, I hope you can get over it and through it because things will be far different(in a good way) than I think, you think they will be. Of course it won't be a breeze and not everything will fall perfectly into place because it's a complicated situation but things will get better and it takes times. I know that it will take less time the sooner you have contact. And honestly if you are tired of all of us and never want to see any of us again, that is alright (not completely but as close as can be) but at least let us know you are alive. The worst part about all of this is not knowing whether you are dead or alive. Then we can stop thinking you are dead but still having hope that you are alive....there's no closure or grieve fully because we are always hoping and maybe in denial but we don't know because we have no answers. It's answers we want and who cares if you don't have then all right now, that's fine, because our biggest one is "Are you alive???". If nothing else comes from me writing this, which I hope it wasn't too depressing, only hopeful for you..I hope you understand we just want to know if you are alive and we can leave it at that. I know I am willing to let you take your time and do what you need to do without disturbance as long as I know that one answer. 


Sorry to have written a book and again if you are still reading thank you for all you are and have ever done for me in my life. I love you like no one else in my life, you have a special part in my heart. 
I want you to remember that I love you, WE love you no matter what you think and are always here for you. Please remember what a great person you are and I wish you can overcome pride because we are past that by now. 

Love you to the moon and back....
Missing you....
Your always hopeful, daughter...
Erika



P.S.
Stop missing out on all of the great things in our lives.....I want to know what is new and great in your life.....I want to know everything there is to know about you. 


One of my favorite bad jokes from you : "Where does ice cream come from?"
                                                            "where?"
                                                            "Iceland! DUH!"
                                                            "hahahahahahaha!!!"
Love you daddy! 

x

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