3 year mark thoughts

Right now I'm in overwhelm mode and struggling to get perspective. A certain amount of anxiety has been my companion for the last couple of weeks and I've been puzzled as to why. Normally after the holiday's pass it really levels off and life goes on but this year it's gotten worse. My best guess is the three year mark and the finality of it all (although I do believe there will be a day when we do see Dave again). There's also my business that went completely into full time mode and then some the last couple of months. Possibly between the two it's combined for a perfect storm naturally speaking. Yesterday was very good for me and has helped. We heard at special meeting to just simply stay put where our Father has put us. Staying put IS doing something! It's staying in our place. There was one worker that spoke that I felt was speaking my own testimony. I loved what she said about not having a taint of an experience in our life, let our Father guide through the experience. Leaving it all in my Father's hands is where my thoughts of went this morning. Possibly I'm trying to take it on and handle it all myself without leaving in my Father's hands. Really no possibly about it, I have a tendency to do that much to often. The anxiety that could be gotten rid of! It's amazing how the anxiety eases off when I get to where I need to be in prayer. Unfortunately my mind tends to create scenarios and I'm constantly pulling myself back from those. Feel like a yo-yo sometimes! :) That human nature likes to rule and I need to stop giving into it!!! Allowing anxiety to build is allowing human nature to rule. I do believe I got out what needed to be gotten out! Thank you to those who have read my rambling thoughts to get to this point! :)

On another note my hope is that Dave will occasionally read my posts. If you do Dave then know that you are loved and missed by your family. Life brings changes and growth in many different ways and I am very thankful for the growth that this experience has brought me. As is proof above it's a struggle to get that growth but in the end so worth it!!!

That's why!!

I mentioned in my last post that I knew my Father would help me through but wondered why the anxiety was still so bad even though I knew it. We heard at gospel meeting tonight that we have a tendency to try and train our human nature to be divine but flesh is enmity against our Father. So it's impossible to train human nature to be divine. Divine nature is the nature of heaven. Our Father gives us the divine nature. Hope that makes sense! I very much feel like I've been trying to train my human nature to handle my anxiety as a divine nature instead of letting my Father help me handle the anxiety with the divine nature He gives.

I'm pretty sure the severity of the anxiety is hormonal based so it'll be a constant fight to stay on top of but I was very thankful for the revelation tonight and what the answer is. Another thing that we heard that I liked was don't worry about disciplining the human mind but allow our Father to work the divine nature into us. Along the same line, just worded more cleanly then what I said above! :)

Tough times

This last week has been pretty ridiculous! The anxiety has been bad this last week. Unfortunately it hit hard last night, glad I felt it coming and made sure a small trash can was next to the bed!!! UHG! Kind of a perfect storm, loss of 3 clients over the last month due to varying circumstances out of my control. Closed business, lying client and another that I'm quite frankly glad to see go (couldn't keep an appointment time at all and it was tough to get info from). Add to that the worry of paying monthly insurance next year and Christina asking things about Dave and re-awaking old memories and holiday time of year coming. (I'm not upset about the questions but none the less it's part of the equation) I'm also at a transition point in my business. Erika is supposed to come on the first of the year so I need to get out and network more to build the business and come up with some procedures so things don't get out of control. When I list all those things I guess it's somewhat understandable on a natural level to be in royal overwhelm mode!

I KNOW that I'll get through it with my Father's help! But for some reason, even though I know that, the anxiety is horrible right now. Does menopause hit some ladies that way??? So far frustration due to menopause isn't too bad, expect for a brief incident today. A friend came over yesterday and we had a really good talk about my business and what to do about getting out and networking and procedures to prepare. And then to have a stomach rebel after such a good talk! (mutter!) :)

The good things that have happened... Christina is getting better and better! I have one senior client and she's exactly what I was looking for! She even understands why I charge what I do! (She was a bookkeeper in her working days and had her own business!). I got a payroll from being with the BBB and helped another lady with her QuickBooks problems from another form of advertising (Neighborhood Notes). So there's definitely good to go with the bad. Interesting how we tend to focus on the bad and not the good!!! Also interesting that I got a note from a worker this week about storms and my friend called me and told me a hymn was going through her mind and she felt the need to call me...All through the storm Lord I see thy face.... Love the encouragement that comes when we need it the most! And I picked raspberries today! They're soooo yummy!

Bobbie (Mother-in-law), Blake, Erika, Teagan, and Scarlett came for dinner tonight. The girls are sooo cute and adorable! So it was a good afternoon!

Birthday Therapy Post

Dave's birthday is Saturday and boy could I tell it was coming! I've learned this week that I need to be brutally honest with myself if I'm going to get beyond this anxiety. As I was doing my post in Facebook I realized how many lives my not listening to my Father to begin with effected. It's hard but something that is so necessary for me to move on. I thought things were going really well but then this last couple of weeks anxiety hit hard, similar in strength to early last year. But the anxiety level has significantly decreased since I admitted to myself my part right at the beginning. The part where my Father answered my prayer about marrying in a still small voice. He told me it wouldn't last. I choose to ignore it and get married anyway. After all, Dave was the father of my daughter and I did love him. That was my human reasoning. But my Father knew what the result would be. After all it does tell us to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers and that's what I did. It's impossible to fully commit oneself when the one you're married to doesn't believe. Now no one, who once knew him, knows where Dave is at. (Except our Father and I'm very thankful for that assurance.) There is still a piece missing that I need to work on, I can feel it, but for now I'm clueless what it might be! I'll pray about it, after all that's what finally opened up a part of what I needed to seek forgiveness for. We heard at convention that the smallest unforgiven sin will keep us out of heaven. I'm thankful that our Father is merciful and reveals those sins that we need to seek forgiveness for. It's just so real to me how careful I need to be in decisions that I make. Seek my Father's input on the decisions and LISTEN and OBEY. He knows the results, we can save a lot of heartache. We heard about needless sorrow and needless tears at convention too. When all is said and done this falls into that category. I am very thankful though for his mercy! He was giving me strength months before Dave left. I knew I was getting spiritually stronger, I could feel it, but until after Dave left I had no clue why. Looking back I can't say that the strength that I was receiving equaled my actions. I was getting better at prayer/reading but wasn't even close to where I needed to be. I've always been in awe of that and always will be most likely. I apologize for the rambling, I'm typing as it comes and this is literally a therapy post for me! I'm hoping that those that read it will realize the long term consequences of not listening to our Father, not obeying. Who would have thought that my marriage would go where it did? Who would have thought how many tears would be shed? The severity of Dave's actions would be? Did we have good years? Yes! Does he now know more about our Father and his Son? I'd like to think so! He knows what to look for if he ever becomes willing. But the root of all of it....  I'm very thankful for my daughters. Each has struggled in their own way. Christina, especially, has struggled with it but I do believe that progress is being made. Thank you so much for all the love and care and prayers! It means a lot!!!

Now to figure out what I still need to work on.....

Amazing month finished!

It's been an amazing month business wise. I officially worked full time every single day of the week Monday to Friday when I figured the total hours worked all month!! Obviously some days were a lot more, some a lot less. But it does explain why I am so exhausted some days! But I do appreciate something I read. When a successful business man asked a worker about how much he should do, the answer was just enough. If you don't have time to pray, read and meditate then you're doing too much and adjustments need to be made. I'm afraid I may be getting close to that point!

Christina is also officially done with school!!!! I think she's going to take a year and get her feet under her so to speak, save some money for college and generally figure out where she's headed in life. She's done awesome these last few years all things considered. Graduation next week.

Amazing!

What a month it has been! So much is going on and it seems like just as I think it's all starting to come into line and I'm figuring out where I'll be sitting account wise something changes. It's all good changes but WOW! A couple of weeks ago I really thought I was finally getting caught up and then more came in and I'm back to my evenings pretty much being busy at home. It sure is a process of figuring out what needs scheduled where and when. That will become more clear as the months continue. It's the hard part of a growing business. Learning to schedule properly and make sure that nothing is dropped in the process. I just never dreamed that the business would do what is doing. I really feel like it has more to do with my Father then me. I do believe that I need to do certain things. Go to networking meetings, meet potential clients, etc. But when all is said and done He knows what I need and who is best. It's all in His timing. The connections that I've made have been awesome. Some have become friends, some I have ended up using their services, other's have become 'power partners'. In the end I hope my life will show them what is most important, what brings a peace to the heart regardless of all that is going on around. I'm just so thankful and need to make sure I'm keeping first things first. My Father knows what's important, not me.

In other important news Christina graduates next week! It's so hard to believe that my baby is now considered an adult! One more school thing is left after that, her SkillsUSA nationals event near the end of June then it's completely done! Then real life begins! Blake and Erika are having another little girl! First of October is the due date. Actually the day it's due is my sisters birthday AND Blake's birthday so it'll be interesting to see if the baby actually comes on that day! Grandma twice over, wow!

Final tie....

I knew it had to happen a some point. The final tie has been broken with Dave. The e-mail address that has stayed active the last 2 plus years came back as undelivered today. I'm actually kind of surprised it stayed active this long but that means he was most likely accessing it up until at least the end of last year. I'm pretty bummed tonight but I know that it's a good thing when all is said and done. Life goes on.

This year is going SO quickly! It's hard to believe but Christina only has 1 month of school left! And then graduation, then SkillsUSA nationals and then life starts for her!

Other news is I'll be a grandma again, Erika is due the first part of October! Pretty excited! :)  (There you go bummed and excited all in one post! :)  )

On the business end, I couldn't be asking for it to be going better! I do believe I truly have a full fledged bookkeeping business. I just never dreamed that I'd be a small business owner, much less one of a thriving business! Now I just need to make sure I take care of me!! I got really ran down from working too much and have been sick for 2 months now. I think recovery is very close but it's been a long haul! I'm behind as a result but hoping this next week and half catches me up!!!

There's a person that I know that has been fighting addiction. I was wondering why do they keep going back to the same thing knowing where it's going to lead? Unless this person stops what they're doing they'll die, it's literally killing them and the doctors won't do anything unless they stop what they're doing. It'd be useless otherwise. So that set me to thinking. Isn't that what I'm doing when I ignore my Father's prompting? I know what ignoring my Father's prompting can do, it could literally mean spiritual death. So really the only difference is this persons disobedience is obvious and mine is hidden. But it all leads to the same place, spiritual death if we're not willing for His will. Luckily when our time comes our Father knows what is in each heart. I pray this person becomes willing before it's too late and that I'm much more willing for the prompting from my Father!