Erika to Dave "Can we start over?"

Hey.....

    For starters there has not been one.single.day that I haven't thought about you...thought about where you are....are you alive or not!, what you are doing if you are alive, if you already knew the people you see daily, before or if you met them after, what you are feeling/thinking, when I will see you again, how would I react if/when I see you, what mom/Christina will think/feel and of course what will Grandma do?? All of those questions, all different scenarios....I think about it everyday.
 
You need to understand: I'm not mad. I am disappointed and saddened at times but never mad. Mainly because I don't know what made you leave, I don't know the thoughts that solidified your decision(if it has in fact always been your choice) BUT it never has nor ever will be my place to judge you for your choices, I can only accept what has been done and move forward with the best intentions. 

And maybe it's selfish of me...or hopeful...but in every scenario where you come back you see me first. I know we had a different relationship, it was always you and me and Mom and Christina. Not that we weren't all a team but I know they have always understood each other better just as we had an understanding for each other. And I know now, that I didn't value what we had enough.
I wish I could have realized how I was treating you 4 years ago, really much longer than that but especially around that time. I can't change how I acted, yes I was selfish and didn't care enough about others like I could have but I can only hope that you would be able to forgive and move past that as well. I was young and naive (I still am, I'm not sure at what point in our lives we ever think we know everything and aren't naive in a certain ways) but I have grown so much more in the last four years than I could imagine. So I want to thank you for making me a part of a hard situation that I could learn immensely from. 

I always looked up to you and always wanted to impress you but I understand now I didn't always show that. Others can't tell what we think in our heads and we did that a lot...stayed in our heads. Even though I felt we had a strong relationship we never talked about things below the surface and I would change that if you returned. I want to know about you, how are you feeling, what are you thinking.  

I can understand why you would have resentment towards all of us and want to get out of the "situation" that you were in.....with a family that you felt didn't value and appreciate exactly the person you were/are. And you're valid to feel and think that because we didn't. But all four of us are at fault for that, our lack of good communication within the family was severely lacking and we can't change what we don't know is wrong. Now, that's not to say if you had spoken up about things that we would have changed but the opportunity would have been given. In no way am I trying to put blame anywhere because as I said before I see now what I was doing wrong and have put effort into changing and continue to put effort towards changing for the better. I hope you have been doing the same because I can only wish for you to be able to find happiness. 

Everyone affected by your disappearance has changed for better and worse at times...because of this things would be very different now, I'm not sure how but I can only hope that we could start from scratch; in a way and I could show you how much I appreciate you and am so thankful that you are my father. I can only hope that you could be happy, I feel like you probably weren't for a very long time. You are very private but I wish I would have tried to understand your feelings more when you were here. I want to thank you for everything you taught me while you were around. How to be a good person, caring, thoughtful, helpful, gracious. goofy....I miss our goofiness. I think about it a lot because I know you would have so much fun with our girls. Teagan and Scarlet, they are so smart and fun, you would love them. I wish everyday that they will be able to meet you someday...someday soon. They are young enough that they wouldn't know what happened and wouldn't have any preconceptions about you, they would just love you for be their amazing grandpa, because you would be amazing! One day, years from now, they will hear about the one day you disappeared and how we know nothing about what happened to you. But I hope that the story can be different, I hope that they will know you by that time.  

I know I'm writing a book, and if you are still reading.....I love you, I love you so much. What you did wasn't right. There were better ways to get out of your situation if that is indeed why you left. BUT it's not something that is unforgivable, I have forgiven you, I did a long time ago. It was easier for me because I have learned so much about myself through this experience and I am grateful for what I have learned. Because of this situation I have become a stronger, more compassionate person and I can only thank you for that. I have been shown how selfish I was as a kid/teen and young adult. I'm not saying I'm perfect now but I am aware and changing daily to become as selfless as possible. There are so many good qualities in you that I want to pass on to my children and I am thankful to have had you as an example.
       I miss my father though, I miss your support in everything, I miss your laughter, I miss your voice, your hugs, your smiles, your teachings. There is not one thing about you that I don't miss, everything that I used to get so annoyed about I wish I could have the chance to even be annoyed about now because I wouldn't be. I want to show you the woman I have become and am changing to be. I want to prove to you what an awesome human being you created and mini-beings that have come from that. 

I don't have any negative feelings toward you just sadness in place of anger. Sadness because of what you are missing and deciding to not be a part of. This is no one's doing but your own...unless something really did happen to you due to someone else's doing, I think about that and it breaks my heart if that is what really happened. 

There are many things I hope for:
     I hope that you are safe and okay. I hope one day you can find happiness, I hope one day to know what happened, I hope that it isn't just pride that is keeping you from coming back if indeed you did leave on your own will. If it is pride, I hope you can get over it and through it because things will be far different(in a good way) than I think, you think they will be. Of course it won't be a breeze and not everything will fall perfectly into place because it's a complicated situation but things will get better and it takes times. I know that it will take less time the sooner you have contact. And honestly if you are tired of all of us and never want to see any of us again, that is alright (not completely but as close as can be) but at least let us know you are alive. The worst part about all of this is not knowing whether you are dead or alive. Then we can stop thinking you are dead but still having hope that you are alive....there's no closure or grieve fully because we are always hoping and maybe in denial but we don't know because we have no answers. It's answers we want and who cares if you don't have then all right now, that's fine, because our biggest one is "Are you alive???". If nothing else comes from me writing this, which I hope it wasn't too depressing, only hopeful for you..I hope you understand we just want to know if you are alive and we can leave it at that. I know I am willing to let you take your time and do what you need to do without disturbance as long as I know that one answer. 


Sorry to have written a book and again if you are still reading thank you for all you are and have ever done for me in my life. I love you like no one else in my life, you have a special part in my heart. I want you to remember that I love you, WE love you no matter what you think and are always here for you. Please remember what a great person you are and I wish you can overcome pride because we are past that by now. 

Love you to the moon and back....
Missing you....
Your always hopeful, daughter...
Erika


P.S.
Stop missing out on all of the great things in our lives.....I want to know what is new and great in your life.....I want to know everything there is to know about you. 

One of my favorite bad jokes from you : "Where does ice cream come from?"
                                                            "where?"
                                                            "Iceland! DUH!"
                                                            "hahahahahahaha!!!"
Love you daddy! 

x

Wonderful days!

This last convention really confirmed what the last one had started working on, letting my Father take control of the reins of my life. I'm also finally listening and getting off FaceBook. I've been feeling uneasy about it for a little while and, since I contact some of my clients through it, I thought that I'd just check it now and again but when I got on this evening I just a had a real conviction that I needed to completely get off. We heard today that we need to start what's been laid on the heart NOW. The steps taken now will set the direction for the next year so.... First step is starting. My goal this year is to draw closer and closer to my Father. He's given me so much infallible proof that he's there helping and yet it can be so hard to give my own will up!!! We heard that there's so much blessing in obeying when it comes from the heart. No,'Fine i'll do it.' That attitude gets us nowhere! And the peace and rest that's there makes it doubly worth it!

I love the way things work too! My daughter met a girl real close to her age in the dorm. I met a lady in the restroom of all places. Both of us got to talking with the ones we met. We exchanged contact info with them. Come to find out they're mother and daughter! Very, very nice family. Even more interesting is they are from the town that my grandma was from. We'd moved my grandma out of her place just before they moved there so they didn't know her. However they've heard many, many stories about her! So now they have a face to put to the family that they've heard so many stories about!

Since I'm getting off FaceBook I'll try and update this blog more often. I'm going to shoot for once a week or so but we'll see if that happens! :)

Big Changes in store and a special thought....

There's lots of changes in store business wise these next few months... maybe for the year? We'll see how it goes. I had a client I just couldn't seem to get on the same page with and it built to the point we were both beyond frustrated. Luckily I have an awesome accountant that I work with and since she was his accountant as well she stepped in and has managed to sort of, kind of smooth things over. I won't be working directly for my former client but may help in getting the rest of the stuff sorted out by working for her a couple of days a week. We'll see where working with/for her a couple of days a week leads in the next year. I have a lot that I can learn from her. I actually wonder if this wasn't God's plan the whole time.... If all goes well the thought is to join forces and Erika helps with taxes and I do more of the bookkeeping side of things and Erika and I handle the payroll. It really appears that the payroll side of the business is booming. I never planned on being a payroll business but it seems to be happening!!

I'm ready to seriously cut back on  traveling around town so I'm hoping to take quite a few clients to some kind of remote service by the first of the year. There's a handful that I will still do on site but not everyday all day. At least I hope not!!! I needed that traveling the last few years to keep myself working and earning a living. Going to somebody else's place of business forced me to work, I just couldn't get myself motivated to work properly at home but I'm hoping that side of the healing process is complete!!

There was something mentioned last week that has really stuck with me. Our soul cries out for our Father. It's the piece of Him that is in all of us. It's up to us to decide if our soul is going to be satisfied or not. The connection I made was my anxiety this last couple of months, I was trying to figure it out all on my own and was leaving my Father out of the mix. That anxiety was my soul crying out for my Father. It needed soothed, I needed it soothed and it was trying to let me know that there was a remedy but I wasn't listening! I don't know if that makes sense but it's how it spoke to me! The anxiety was probably on level with where it was when Dave left, or awfully close! A thought I need to remember!

I'm now looking forward to another few days of special fellowship and more revelations that will help me to grow closer to my Father!

Business building and building....

This has been a pretty amazing summer! Business has been booming and somehow I'm becoming more of a payroll company! I'm actually going to be combining forces with a CPA that I've networked with for the last three years. Her and I get along really well and have the same set of values. We'll keep our own businesses but Erika will most likely work for both of us. I'm really excited and a bit nervous at the same time for this next step of business! Trying to fit all my work into this month with church conventions coming up this month makes for a very, very busy month!!!

Then there's the issues that come with a building business. One of my bigger clients and I have been struggling to get on the same page in what he wants. I believe we are now there but it has really shown me the need to leave things in my Father's hands. It's caused me some tremendous anxiety in the last couple of weeks since I've never ran into this problem. But when it comes right down to it when I allow anxiety to build that means that I'm not leaving it in my Father's hands. And I need to ask for the help in dealing with it. Ask and ye shall receive. Help doesn't come without asking. It's been a very good lesson for me! I'm always thankful to get a spiritual lesson out of a tough experience. As was spoken on last week, we choose what we dwell on.

Bookkeeping, payroll, in the cloud bookkeeping. Lots of different things that we do! 3 1/2 years has brought more changes than I could have ever dreamed. And they're all good changes. I can hardly wait for the last 2 weeks of the month!!

Scarlet Update #2

We finally got the results for what type of diabetes that Scarlet has. It took 10 weeks and is indeed neonatal, she has a gene mutation that has led to it. Everything pointed to that but they needed to do the genetic testing to make sure. Next to no weight gain the last month in the womb, urinating A LOT, somewhat cranky over all but not horrible. The one thing that I would say sticks out is that she didn't smile real easy. She'd give a twitch of the lip but to REALLY smile and laugh, she rarely did that. She was sick almost all the time, she might have went a week at time without being sick. Her body just got to the point that it couldn't handle it anymore and when she got the flu from Teagan at 7 months it caused her ketones to build and sent her into a diabetic coma. I'm going to take a guess that it took so long due to the type of neonatal diabetes that she has. There is a 1 in 300,000 to 500,000 chance of neonatal happening so it's very rare and for being so rare there are 5 different types! She has the type that could possibly be temporary, but it's rare that it is temporary. I guess the typical age is around 18 months to 2 years that it goes away if it is temporary. But it could possibly come back when she gets older; it would act as type 2 diabetes. So it sounds like to me her body may still be making some insulin, unlike type 1 diabetics. If she were to ever get pregnant she would have gestational diabetes, of course that's only if it were temporary. She could possibly end up on an insulin pump if it doesn't go away. Even if it is temporary she will need to keep track of blood sugar her whole life.

She is such a happy little girl now! The only time she really has issues is when she's teething and sick, or gets her shots and is teething. Those two instances have triggered ketones. Then she's pretty cranky. Erika and Blake have done an absolute wonderful job with managing the diabetes. You learn to play with the long lasting insulin a bit if you know it's going to be an active day the next day. Give a little less so there's sugar to burn and then the sugar doesn't get near as low as it would have otherwise. Scarlet went to the babysitter at 160 the other day but by the time her morning nap came and went she was down to mid 50's! The babysitter then gives her food that will bump her sugar back up. It really doesn't take a lot though! Except, as in instances mentioned above, she rarely even needs the short lasting insulin. Probably because of the type of neonatal diabetes that it is.  Below is one of my favorite pictures so far! She is so HAPPY!!! (She's the black and white dress)

Last big hurdle...

This last weekend was simply awesome! We were invited to the beach for a kids get together. There were about 20 kids or so plus us adults. This one was a tough one for me since the beach was where Dave and I had our 'get away' weekends. The last time I was there was when him and I went the summer before he disappeared. I actually think this weekend made it 4 years to almost the day since I'd been to the beach. The company there made it so easy and well worth the anxiety that I had before going. It was interesting because I couldn't figure out for a while why I was feeling the anxiety and then it dawned on me.... next hurdle is coming up! It's interesting how the body just reacts without you being consciously aware of it!! Somehow singing grace on the beach capped it. Maybe it doesn't make sense but for me it just really brought my Father's presence there. All in all and absolutely amazing day!! The weather helped to!! :)  I think that's the nicest it's ever been when I've been on the beach. Oregon beaches tend to be cool, cloudy and breezy and sometimes even misty rain. Last Saturday it was none of the above! I can't say I've walked on an Oregon beach and had the sand be too hot! It was Saturday!! Helped make the water feel not so cold! (Oregon Beaches have FREEZING water!!)

On another note Christina is doing AWESOME!!! It's so wonderful to see you child recover and really open herself up both spiritually and naturally. This mom is on cloud 9. :)

I love the blue against the trees here!

Empty to begin with!

Christina kicking up her heels. :)

There was ground fog almost all day.

Awesome Birthday! :)

What a month this has been! Luckily it ended on a really wonderful note!!! As always this time of year is tough with so many different 'trigger' times in it. It starts with Mother's Day and finalizes with Father's Day, with the Rose parade and my birthday in between. This year my birthday and Father's Day followed one day after another. I typically have anxiety problems in my gut but that was extremely low level this years since I finally had my hormone levels checked and found out they were WAY out of whack. I technically should have been having more issues then I was having!! This year the anxiety went to the next vulnerable area, my neck and shoulders. I had fifth disease in my early 30's and that's where it really settled. I literally couldn't move my head for months and now have arthritis there because of it. Luckily I have a awesome Bowenworks lady that worked with my neck and shoulders and it has helped tremendously! I can almost completely turn my head to both sides. It's taken 3 weeks to do it though!! I know having Scarlet's issue with diabetes didn't help matters any but a lot of things are just the way they are and you can't do anything about it. So you learn to deal. And pray!!! I truly think that's why I wasn't worse mood wise with my out of whack hormones. I know it helped years ago when I'd have my monthly crankiness!! :)

Now on to my wonderful day yesterday! :)  I got taken to a little tea house in West Linn. Awesome place!!! There's a cute little store and they have a tea room in the back. The food is soooo good!!! You get a little bit of this and a little bit of that as well as a pot of tea. Lots of teas to choose from! They even do gluten free and what they substitute for the scone is so light and yummy!! You'd never know it's was gluten free. There were 6 of us and 3 of us had birthday's yesterday! 2 hours later we had to leave so the next batch of people could come in to eat. They do the reservations in 2 hour shifts. There was an 11, 1, 3 and maybe 5? I think it's called Blue Moon. I'm thinking this would be a lovely tradition to set. Go to the Blue Moon for my birthday each year.

From there I went to the Red, White and Blue store. I found a very pretty dishware set for $20. 12 plates, 12 saucer plates, 11 salad plates, 10 bowls and 7 cups. Here's a picture of what it looks like:

I love, love, love the pattern!!! Now I can get rid of the 25 year old everyday dishes. I was more then ready for a new set but have been keeping an eye out at this store since they have such awesome bargains. I also found a bunch of Bernstein Bear and Magic School Bus books for the girls. The pack's of books are between $2.95 and $4.95 and you get around 8 books per a pack. I also found a really nice purse for $3 and a pack of office supplies that had really cute kitty stationary in it as well as a couple of other packs of stationary, a couple of notebooks that I know are worth at least $5 each, rubber bands, glue sticks etc. All of that was just over $40!!! My birthday treat to me thanks to a friend giving me birthday money! I highly recommend that store! They have really amazing stuff for very reasonable prices. I just looked them up and they're actually in 9 different states!

After that I got taken to dinner by my Mother-in-Law. Black Angus has the most awesome fried zucchini and cucumber dip! Yummmm!!!  And I got to see Blake and Erika and the girls. Christina was there as well. :)  On a side note, I'm out of touch with restaurant prices... they're getting ridiculous, but then so are the grocery store prices so I guess it makes sense.

And then lunch with Lee I. today. A lovely way to end a stress filled month!!!