Funny how some things work out......

I had an absolutely horrible experience yesterday with a client, now former client, that really was nothing of my doing. But what happen yesterday actually made today go easier in the end. Funny how what happened yesterday helped me today. It just goes to show God can turn a experience that left you wondering which way was up into something good if handled with the proper spirit. And believe me it was a struggle to handle it with the proper spirit! Whenever I think of what has happened I feel like I'm living in a dream. It just doesn't seem real! So I just need to apply the handling it with a proper spirit because then it can be made into a rich experience. But it's soooo hard sometimes to keep that proper spirit. I get soooo tired of trying to hold everything together.

Focus....

Three months. It's been a real roller coaster of emotions. I sometimes allow myself to start dwelling on the what if's, or to worry about Dave but all that does is start tying my insides into knots. There's not a thing I can do about any of it. Is Dave miserable? I've got to think he is and if he doesn't make things right with God it really scares me where he'll be but all I can do is pray for him. Pray that he'll allow God to do his work in his heart and life.  When life is done all that's going to matter if we're right with God. No relationships will matter, no job will matter, it won't matter how much money I have or how many possessions I have, just if I've been willing for God to lead my life. That's the perspective I've been reminding myself of the last few days. It's helped a lot in taking some of the tension away. There's just way too many unknowns right now to do anything but focus on allowing God to lead my life. Each day I do what I can and set up appointments for the coming weeks. But knowing what's going to happen with my business, where we'll be even a month from now financially or personally, not a single clue. But God know so that needs to be good enough. Naturally I much better off then many in this world regardless of what's happened. I still have my family minus my husband, still have my health, a roof over my head, a absolutely wonderful, caring circle of friends and most of all God in my life. It's all about focusing on what REALLY matters. BUT it's sooo very easy to get mired in the negatives that are going on. I prayed a lot last year that i would learn patience.... this year I'm praying that I have the strength to be have patience necessary to get through an experience where only patience will work.  I also prayed and still do that whatever it takes for Dave to accept God would happen. I would have to say both those prayers are being worked on at this point.  I just want to be willing to accept the answers to my prayers, even when they lead me down paths that I would never have imagined.

Totally Overwhelmed!

Today has been totally overwhelming. In sitting down to try and come up with a bio and information for a business website it's just really hit how much life is changing. It's been a good day in that I may have two new clients. One I meet through my networking lunches, the other one though I'm not real sure where he got my name and number. I'll have to ask him Monday! At heart I'm one who loves to stay at home and raise my kids and take care of the home front and that obviously just isn't going to work now. Can I just bury my head for a while? The answer, of course, is no but it sure sounds like a good idea to me! I'm just hoping that Dave is okay because I can't kick the feeling that something's going on. I'm sure wishing we could go to Mountain Ranch this year! I'm so in need of a convention! But I'm hoping by then I'll be busy with work. There's always Parma or...

Brand new week

So hopefully this week goes better then last week! I really thought things were getting much better then last week hit and I was struggling majorly again. Today I've gotten a better perspective now and again. The kitchen is partially gone through so hopefully I can finish that sometime this week. It's so nice having nice neat cupboards! We're realizing there's a lot of things that wouldn't have happened if Dave hadn't disappeared. Like the house being rearranged and the kitchen getting a through going through. The get together's that we've been to and had at our house. Christina probably wouldn't have started sewing. She made a little organizer that can be hung up and put things like scissors and the like in. Meeting helped today. Reminded once again when we are in the center of His will then nothing else around us really matters because we're centered on Him. It's so hard to keep Him the center and so easy to let everything else in life take over. Someone also mentioned the time we spend preparing for eternity is so little compared to the total of our life. And yet it's the most important thing. And the first thing that the devil tries to take away is fellowship with God and his people (going to meetings, praying). Fellowship is very important, it's what keeps us encouraged and thus why it's the first thing the devil works on. Now I just need to keep all of this foremost in my heart and mind and this week will go much better!

Good reminders...

I found comfort in the reminder tonight that it's okay to be in waiting mode. Keep praying, keep waiting and in his will, all things in time will be revealed. No matter what happens if it's God's will all will eventually be revealed. Whether it's what's going on with Dave or where Christina and my life will be headed, it will be revealed. There was also the reminder that life altering experiences can be distracting but we need to remember not to become unwilling or bitter because that could lead us to be become hard and easily lead astray. This has certainly been a life altering experience! And this past week it has become some what distracting since i'm trying to deal with the tension once again. So I also loved the thought that God never takes something from us without giving us something better in return. Of course humanly speaking I got to wonder what that would be being that it's my husband, my girls father that's been taken so to speak. But again God will reveal in time. It seems like so much longer but it hasn't even been three months yet, almost three months but not quite. So we're still pretty early in this process.

Yikes!!

This week has NOT been a great week tension wise. Tonight was really bad and as a result the "craft" room is now pretty much gone through and cleaned and sorted. I think, maybe?, that bed is getting to be a possibility. And tomorrow we're supposed to go down and visit friends in Salem. Hopefully I don't fall asleep on everyone! It feels like my name is starting to get out a little bit for bookkeeping referral. Hopefully the next couple of months I see a growth in business. Been to 3 networking meetings now so that'll help too. I'm getting a lot of good contacts to help me set things up and learning some interesting information. Step by step! It was pointed out I actually have a little "niche" for bookkeeping since I know how to take things like paypal spreadsheets and break them down to put into quickbooks. Since the Japan earthquake the hymn Life at best is very brief has been going through my head off and on. Millions of people started the day as normal and over 10,000 never saw another day and millions have had their life turned around. I'm thankful that we have a Father that is always there. I can't imagine what all those people are going through without that care of God. God can use this for good too, hopefully there will be those that are willing to admit their need.

Changes....

Lots of irons in the fire but no new business really yet. It's so hard sometimes to have the patience to wait for the changes that will come but simply take time to come. If that makes any sense at all. It would be soooo nice if the lower tension would just go away! Most days aren't too bad really but the last few have been. I can tell that my patience is throughly being tested this week because of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that whatever God's will is for our lives is what matters. In the end things have a way of working out for the best when you have the patience to allow it to happen. It's just so hard to believe that you can know somebody for so many years and yet not know them at all really. It's little comfort that everybody is in the same boat with Dave, his mom included. I pray for his souls sake that he allows God to work in his heart and allows Him to help him do the right thing. Sometimes you wish you could just make others see the strength that God supplies but we can't. He gave us a will of our own and we need to admit Him into our heart, admit our need, in order to get that strength and help.  Some of us just value our own will too much, are too stubborn to admit need and in the end it makes for a miserable life. Sure there are times that seem good but they always end with a person looking once again for something that brings pleasure/comfort. With God that comfort is always there, it's always accessible. Most of this I've said before but tonight it was just feeling real again. Thank you for allowing me to ramble.

Getting better

Things are going better. I'm gradually getting everything straightened out from moving everything around. I'm so thankful the way God works in our lives. When we are patient enough for his will then things have a tendency to work out and fall into place. I've experienced that so much in the last couple of months. And the strength that is supplied, it's so hard to describe. It's amazing to me how many people will toss out that access to God, to the strength he supplies, to the love that we are given, because of I, me, my, but i want being more important. The life that's all about what's important to me is full of chaos and turmoil when all is said and done. There's temporary pleasure but it always ends and then the process to find pleasure starts again. It's a viscous cycle. I'm thankful that God's given me the chance to experience his wonderful presence and strength.

Overwhelming...

It just seems like there's so much to take care of. I'm finding it much too easy to get overwhelmed by it all. In the evening i'll realize that there are some things that should have got done and done they're not. I suppose in the end it will all come out in the wash but it's frustrating! It still hard to believe all that has happened. Hard to believe that someone can just up and leave everything in life behind. I can't imagine the turmoil someone must be in to do that. I'm thankful though that good has come from it. My biggest hope, of course, is that Dave finds his way to God and allows Him to heal him. The only thing I can do is pray for his soul. For me God HAS to be the focus because that's the only way to really pull through. It's really hard not to keep thinking about the not knowing. But God DOES know so I need to leave it in His hands.

I'm going to try something new tomorrow to try and help get business. Going to a networking lunch. Needless I'm a bit nervous! Going into crowds where no one is known isn't very easy! I'm hoping that in time this will help.

The little things...

I realized today where my biggest weakness is going to be for now. The little things  I miss about Dave. The hug that i'd get when cooking.  The little teasing things he'd do. They're good memories but for now they seem to be something that the devil is using to drag me down. It's frustrating! The devil looks for the weakest link to get to us and unfortunately that appears to be mine. I'm glad I at least understand why I've been struggling the last few days. I'm thankful for a Father that can help with that. And lots of friends that are there for us. And a kitty that loves me. :)  She's laying on me right now making it real hard to type.

Remember that spouse of your's is precious. Love and respect them. We never know when that will end.

Thoughts....

Anniversary day today. So it's going to be a busy day so I can keep distracted!! I'm sure it won't completely work but I'm hoping it will for the most part. The thoughts going through my mind today are the importance of God. There's a verse in our hymn book (106) that makes me so sad.  In the valley of hesitation, countless millions have lingered and died, When the cost seemed too great for salvation, and too lowly His way for their pride. The chorus says If only we knew when life is through, No one would weary his bidding to do; None would dispise the heavenly prize Waiting for me and for you. It's so hard knowing that this applies to most of my family. Doing what I want today just seems more important with no thought for what happens if I don't make it through today. God can help ANYBODY no matter what they've done. Our whole life here is just a tiny tiny portion of how long eternity is. It's like a grain of sand on the beach, with all the rest of the sand being eternity. To be able to have more peace and contentment here then a lot do, to have the ability to handle adversity with a semblance of calm and feel that calmness, to have someone (God) there even when no one else is that can help with the agony that life brings. It more then makes up for allowing His will to be done rather then our own. And then to have given up our will for one grain of time compared to millions of grains of joy and peace in eternity.....

Rough days

With the anniversary getting so close and going thru some of the paperwork around Dave's work area it's been a rough time. I'm trying to get things cleaned up from everything getting moved last Saturday. I found the last card he gave me and it was the sweetest most loving card. It's days like this I keep reminding myself that God knows what's best for me and my girls. But those ole human emotions like to come into play. I read something today that said that without the battle there could be no victory and without the victory there could be no joy. And we're not going to get the victory without God's help. I'm not going to get victory once and be done, it's a series of victories each day. I pray one day my husband will be willing to go to God and get his own victory. Thanks to Dave there's been a lot exposed that I need to work on. A lot that I'd really love to have Dave's forgiveness on. Stuff that probably never would have been changed if he hadn't left. Hopefully one day we'll hear from him and maybe I can get that forgiveness. Even if we don't know where Dave is God does. And He's just waiting to help Dave, if the help hasn't started already.

Up and down...

My emotions are all over the place today. House repair problems are bring home even more Dave being gone. I found out that for some unknown reason boards were put in the foundation? Unfortunately they are now rotting.   :(  Not good! John B. has a plan though so I'm depending on him to get it fixed! Fingers crossed it works! I don't need that foundation shifting! And then there's the carport roof... more dryrot. That's still pretty small area though, at least i think is, i hope it is! I'm just taking it as it comes, there's a reason that Jesus said todays troubles are sufficient, tomorrows are hidden.

I've now got my Saturday all booked up. So that's a good thing. Hopefully it'll distract me at least partially. Being it's our anniversary i'll need it!