Hard week coming up....

Yesterday had some pretty iffy times and today as well. Next Saturday is our Anniversary. I know I'll pull thru but just the thought of going thru our anniversary day not knowing where Dave is is heart wrenching. A lot of changes have been made, a lot of positive has happened but that doesn't stop a person from terribly missing the person who they've loved for so many years and wishing they were back and involved in your life! In time maybe... Only God knows and it's better that way anyway. All I can really do is to continue to allow God to use this situation to bring me closer to him and pray that the same is done for those around me. And that Dave will allow God to work.  

Step by step Progress

I can feel a definite change in my coping as each day goes by. It gets better each day. I'm just so thankful that God is there, his care and keeping. I am trying to focus on the positives that have happened because of Dave disappearing, and there has been several.  There are still going to be those bumps in the road, as there was the other day, but those bumps are a bit fewer now. The big ones come when I have to handle something that Dave always took care of.  My patience still needs a ton of work though because I still just want it done with! God's time is not our time though. If he's working with Dave or with others that have been touched by this process that takes time, sometimes a lot of time. So I just keep praying for that patience and that God's will be done. I know what I want to happen but is it God's will?

Could be worse...

After learning what a cousin is going thru with her marriage break-up and my brothers going thru with his, I actually feel pretty lucky. My money wasn't touched, and I don't know what is going on in any detail and I have my daughter. Although not knowing is hard in some ways it's probably really a blessing. I'm able to raise my daughter, at this point anyway, with the values that match my own. Although I will say that I was very lucky with the respect that Dave showed for my values, and I've got to wonder if that's part of why things happened this way, if that makes any sense at all. My hope is one day I will hear from him or at least learn something. But as I've said before, I need to be willing for God's will.

Today was hard in that I had to do some shopping that Dave always did. I muddled my way thru but wow, it's amazing something that would seem so easy is so hard emotionally. My living room has really inspired me to get the rest of the house done. Unfortunately I need to wait for the weather to get nice before I can empty the family room of all the yard sale stuff, and there's starting to be quite a bit of it.

Rearranging/murphy's law

Well, today was the day for the living room. It actually turned out really nice. It's more open and yet more cozy at the same time. I'm struggling a bit now though because I know that Dave would have really like the arrangement and it's hard coping with the fact that he may very well never see the changes being made that he'd love. As murphy's law goes. I found out I need to do something with our carport roof. :( It's a flat roof and the way it's set up the water pools in the middle and it's now leaking thru and dripping in the carport. Not good! So somewhere in the near future something needs to be done with that before dry rot really becomes a big issue. I know it's already started since it's leaking. But for now it needs to sit on the back burner since there's not a thing I can do about it.

Go Figure

Well I guess that iffy spell came a bit sooner then I expected! Say the corners turned and then comes a bad morning.  But it's amazing how focusing on God can help! It so wonderful to have that assurance that He'll always be there. I'm also thankful to have such wonderful kids! That has helped tremendously as well. I just keep coming back to the feeling that this was something that needed to happen. There were no doubt it was many things that accumulated leading to Dave running. I'm sure that some of it was me frustrating him about something, but that's kind of hard to know for sure what since nothing was said. But none the less it just seems like there could have been something in each step of the process to stop him, someone to ask why he was doing something so odd like packing up a desk and yet nothing/no one did stop him. So I'm thinking it was allowed. God's will? I can't see that but he does give us free will so he allowed Dave to go thru with it. There's been many changes, good changes, for me so even in the worst of situations there can be much good come from it if you allow it.

Now it would be very nice if one issue could be solved before the next one comes. Instead they just kind of seem to nest one into the other. I'm still dealing with some of my grandma's stuff and she's been gone a year now. One of these days! Thanks for allowing me to rant!!!

Turning the corner a bit?

We had a really nice evening last night with some of our friends and our workers (ministers).  There is something very therapeutic in those visits for me. This last several days I really feel like a corner has been turned. I'm really hoping it stays that way!!! It doesn't mean I don't miss Dave still because I do, very much so. But it is now to the point that I can handle that missing him better. With the circumstances what they are there will always be wonderings, they'll just more in the back of the mind because life does go on there's the everyday things that need to take priority. There's nothing I can do with what he did but wind myself up but there is something I can do each day for my daughter and myself to make our lives better and more profitable. The only thing I can do for him is pray that he will be willing for God's will.  I know he knows where Oregon conventions are and when they are so maybe one day we'll see him there....Of course I'd love to see him much sooner but only God knows that one. One sure thing is we are all much different people then we were when this started.  We just don't ever know what life has in store for us, and in some cases like this it's a good thing!

I truly believe it is only because of God's help I'm to the point I am. Now I just need to continue to let him do his work, keep depending on him the way I have since this started. There will still be bad days, of that I have no doubt. One will be our anniversary that's coming up in just 2 1/2 weeks. 17 years. But with God each day can be pulled thru, and with a lot less misery then I'd of had without him. I know there are still changes that need to be made within me and I'm sure I'll be reflecting on some of those as time goes because this really seems to help. Until those are shown me I'm focusing on the house cleaning. Hopefully Saturday we can get the living room done. Then maybe the kitchen, while i still go thru the office/dump room.... A uncluttered house is a nice goal to have!

Valentines....

Just everybody remember that your sweethearts are precious. Even though there may be struggles, there's someone there that in the end is there for you! There's someone to talk to, to discuss issues with, to help raise the kids, to give a hug.....

I've been doing some reflecting on one of the issues we had. I'm a clutter, and Dave is the opposite. I think he'd given up on me on that issue, although in the last year or so i'd really been trying to get better. Maybe this is too personal but it gets my thought across saying it. He would gripe about me being like my parents and I'd get upset because I knew I wasn't even close to them in that issue. I'd get stuck on that comment and not realize that although I wasn't near as bad with my clutter that I DID have the same TENDENCY that they did, so in the end yes I WAS just like my parents. It's just so irritating to me that it took him disappearing for me to see the light on that. I guess if nothing else it shows that good can come from a horrible experience. My house is becoming a MUCH cleaner/less cluttered place!! Although I have lots of sorting a getting rid of to do! So just because I might not be as bad as someone in something that doesn't mean it makes it okay. I need to look beyond that and to the heart of the matter, when all is said and done I am just like whoever because I'm doing the same thing, even though it is to a lesser degree, it's still the samething. I'm trying to focus on the good coming from this experience. The ways that God has been there for me. The strength that he's given me. The growth that I've seen taking place in Christina. The changes he's making in me. All positives that to some degree or another could have taken years to make if this hadn't happened.

I hope everybody has a very happy Valentines Day!!! My brother was a sweetie and sent me a miniature rose plant today. And we had dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend. But tonight i'm really feeling the empty spot.

A very nice Day....mental health week

Today started out very nicely when we found a perfect cabinet for the rearranging of the living room. Then Dave's work once again went above and beyond what i ever would have expected them to do. Little by little i'm starting to get clutter taken care of. My poor kitties didn't know what to do with the fireplace hearth! And the stuff from there wasn't just dumped somewhere else. I'm just dreading the office/dump room! We had a wonderful dinner with friends but tonight that silly tension is back. I'm really looking forward to the day it will stay away ALL day! Of course the quickest way for that to happen would be for Dave to return, contacting us would help it but I have a feeling it would still be there somewhat. There's a mention on Facebook about mental health week. It is absolutely amazing to me how much depression can play with a person. The decisions made when in depression can be so opposite of what would have been made if a persons brain is connecting properly. The sad thing is you're so unaware how messed up the thinking and reasoning has become while in that depression. I hope that Dave somehow connects with someone that can help him. One of my medications that I tried in the process of trying to get sleep showed me the affects of depression. I've never felt so close to losing it in my life and that was only a couple of days. I can't imagine what those with depression must be going thru over time. Well this has helped the tension just a tad. Meeting to look forward to tomorrow.

Not just about me, speculations.....

I've just been basically writing about my own side of things, how I see things when I've looked back over time etc. My heart aches for my mother-in-law. She's lost her only son. This is someone that she raised, on her own because Dave's dad died when he was three. This is someone that she loves like she loves no other. And now that son is just gone. Losing a husband is bad enough but losing your own child in this way.... My heart aches for his Aunt Pat and Uncle Frank and his Aunt Brynn, his cousins. Losing a nephew/cousin that they love very much. The just not knowing, it's so hard on the family as a whole. 

A lot of my speculations are based on knowing Dave and snippets of conversations I've had with him. But that's what it is, speculation. Most of it I feel fairly comfortable with. Is it because it helps me feel better that I feel comfortable with those conclusions? I don't know for sure really. Only Dave and God know for sure the whole process that caused this to happen. I feel fairly comfortable in saying he's alive somewhere out there. I also feel fairly comfortable in saying that I believe that he really regrets the extreme nature he took in leaving, I'd like to say he regrets what he did period but again only him and God know. I know that there are changes in me that wouldn't have happened, or would have taken years to happen, if Dave hadn't left. I'm sure it's done the same for others. So the process has been for gain. Dave is a really good guy deep down and I'm praying that sooner or later that will cause him to contact us at the least, if nothing else for his mom and daughter's sakes. We all love him dearly and no matter what has happened that is not going to change. In the end we need to leave it in God's hands, and that can be so very hard to do.

It's hard.... some musings...

It's hard seeing all this advertisement for Valentines and having the guy you love very much MIA. I don't even want to go into stores. There's so many little things that aren't even thought of as possible hangups until something like this happens. I love Christina dearly and we do have good conversations but there's something about having and adult to talk to, your spouse there to talk to that's precious. It's something I took for granted for too many years, because I dearly miss it now. Would we make it without him? Sure, we've done over 6 weeks now but I don't really want to live without him. As I mentioned in one of my first posts though, I don't know what God's plan is in this. I don't know what God's plan is for Dave, or if maybe this experience will help Dave see that there's just a lot of misery in following our own way. It is absolutely amazing what can happen in a life if we allow God to lead. The hard part is letting go of things that you know need to be let go of. A person enjoys doing them and if it brings pleasure, temporary pleasure but none the less for a brief time pleasure, what can be so wrong? But that's the attitude that ends up making someone, who's fighting giving up what they know they need to, miserable, completely utterly miserable. It's amazing how quickly that miserableness can disappear when a person becomes willing to give up/take care of what they've been told needs to be given up/taken care of by God. When it all comes down to it, it's in Gods hands and depends on Dave's willingness to come back if it is God's will.

Just Frustrated today

Several little things have popped up today that were reminders of Dave. Songs, phone call, etc.  He just dropped everything in my lap and said without saying it, deal with it. Where ever he took off to I do believe he regrets it, to a point since he hasn't come back. But I suppose when you cut everyone off so thoroughly it's hard to get the courage up to return. Only problem is the longer your away the harder it is to return.  I read about love and also about Job this morning. Those two go well together because Job loved God. I feel somewhat like Job in this case in that I did absolutely nothing, that i'm aware of anyhow, to bring on what happen. Just all the sudden the person i'd committed my life to disappears and changes my whole course in life on a dime. I do believe the depression issue is still a big factor. I'm thankful that i have God in my life so I can have the ability not to be angry at him, although i'm frustrated in having to deal with the various issues that have come up only because he isn't here. And those issues only seem to get solved the hard way. Setting up a account taking weeks instead of a couple of days because he's joint, lots of that going on. Guess that patience i've mentioned before is being worked on in more then one way. I pray that he can overcome what caused him to run enough to safely return or contact us. Either would be nice at this point.... taxes :(  but mostly because we miss him. Enough rambling for now....

Bit by bit

Little by little I'm getting caught up on work. Getting close to finished with one of the bigger ones I needed to get done. Then I'll need to start their January stuff....and that'll be an even bigger job. But before that I need to finish someone else's 2010 stuff. It's helping a bit to keep my mind occupied. Life has thrown curves that i'd never even thought of but I can see where in the end, whether Dave comes back (I would love that to happen) or not, that it'll have helped both Christina and I grow spiritually. Life just has this habit of going on no matter the confusion in our own little world. So bit by bit we struggle on and do the best we can.

Some good, some bad

I was doing okay overall until this evening. Did get a bit of work done today, so that was good. Got some house cleaning done as well, went into a bit of a frenzy this morning. Just felt I needed to clean so clean I did! I'm looking forward to the next week being over; saw that heart at the end of a weather forecast. It would be so nice to see something but that is totally unrealistic at the moment since i've heard nary a word in 6 weeks. Guys and Gals, be open with your spouses when you're struggling. It could save a lot of heartache down the road. Nobody can help/be there for anybody if they're unaware of a problem. Of course, it does depend on the situation I guess but overall..... and I suppose sometimes you have an idea of what you'd hear and might not want to hear it..... BUT STILL!!!!  Boy do I miss Dave!

Good Reminder

We had a good reminder this afternoon in gospel meeting about what the most important thing to live for is. It's what's to come after our time on this earth; that is what we're living for. We're here only temporarily and for those who are willing for God's will to be worked in their lives there is a wonderful time to come after our time here. It just causes my heart to ache all the more for Dave. Knowing he's out there chasing those things that in the end don't matter at all. I suppose that's really speculation on my part but i'm not sure why else you'd drop literally your whole family unless you felt there was something else out there that you didn't/couldn't have at home. Of course that's where depression comes in I suppose, messes up the logical thinking pattern you normally have. And even knowing all of this I love him and miss him terribly. Sometimes it just hits, all it takes is a little reminder. I'll have trouble with the hymn "I'll say yes to Jesus" because it was the last hymn sung at the last gospel meeting he was in. I love the hymn but it does bring back the memory of when he was with us there. If only he could be there singing it and meaning it........

An up Post!!!

We went to a small wonderful get together with a few ladies/girls tonight. It helped me a lot. So tonight I'm feeling pretty good. The one thing that I can do is pray. God cares for his own, that is a comfort. And I keep working on that patience! Now we'll see if it carries over to sleeping better.

Missing....

I don't feel so close to the edge today but oh boy do I miss Dave. There isn't someone physically there to share the problems with that I might be having, to share the triumphs. I know there's a purpose to what is happening but that doesn't make the emotion of missing someone who's been in your life for 23 years any easier. One day it'll become clear but right now I sure wish it was sooner rather then later. My lack of patience popping up again. To those of you who check in, thank you for putting up with my ups and downs. For now definitely more downs then ups!

Notes

"Most of us here are unaware of the terrific confusion and frustration that mankind is finding themselves in." I read this phrase in some notes i was reading tonight. I would say this describes what Dave is going thru. He could see what Christina and I have spiritually. He was going to meetings but still wasn't really willing for God to do his work and that caused terrific confusion in him,  thus depression and then running from that confusion and frustration. There's a verse in Psalms 48 that is talking about the kings passing by the mount Zion. It says they saw it and they marvelled; they were troubled and hasted away. They turned away from the greatest help they could ever have because there were things troubling them they didn't want to face. The devil is more powerful then we are but God is much more powerful then the devil. We need God's power to fight the devil but if we let the devil have power there is terrific confusion and frustration within us. The devil delights in keeping us from God. He doesn't care how much it might hurt us and others, he just cares about keeping us from the love of God. Love that brings us thru horrible experiences stronger and better off then we started. Love that helps keep the agony under a certain amount of control in the horrible experience. I pray in time that Dave accepts the love of God in his life.

Week over yet?

So it's getting on 6 weeks now and everything is really hitting home hard this week. I've a husband who has his "freedom" but somehow, if he has no problem now, i think he'll have a lot to work thru later. Leaving not only your wife but also mom and kids behind will catch up to a person eventually.  I can't say i have the anger yet because i do believe there's depression feeding what happened, and untreated depression can cause the mind to think in funny ways. I will be here if he ever feels the need to return or get in contact. Sure there would be issues to work out...... I'm not quite THAT naive! Each day this week i feel like i'm riding a little closer to the edge. :(  And I can't afford to breakdown with a daughter to take care of.  God has pulled me thru this far so I know he can help the rest of the way. Now if only I could get a decent nights rest! and eat properly... some days I do ok, others, like today, not so much.

Tough week continues...

I can feel my strength running out... I imagine due mostly to lack of sleep. This afternoon was just one thing after another going wrong, most of which I had no control over. Did realize i'd forgotten to send the state payroll forms via internet Monday, so hoping a couple of days late is ok... "fingers crossed!" I guess one way or another i'll make it thru but for now it's by the smallest of margins. I need to continue to draw strength from God because that's the only way i'll make it. It also hurts knowing that my husband is out there running from life and doing who knows what and there's not a thing i can do to help him. I just hope one day he realizes that his family matters and loves him and lets us know what the deal is. Meanwhile I need to focus on making sure Christina has as normal of a life as I can make it under the circumstances. Patience and prayer.....

A bit of mourning

I really felt like there was mourning going on this morning. I do believe buckets of tears were shed in the process. It's like he's died and yet we really don't know if that's the case, probably a decent chance he hasn't died. I wish he were here but the chance of that happening any time soon at this point is about zero. Knowing his stubbornness it could even be a few years if he's still around. Depression cause people to do such STUPID things! So life goes on, we go thru the stages of completely losing somebody, and learn to live a life on our own. Not what I ever thought I'd have to do at this stage in life. It's hard to get the mind convinced that he's well and truly gone. I'm very grateful for Drew today. She took me out and about, that helped a lot. Looking forward to meeting tonight. And then we'll see if the new medication gets me a decent nights sleep.

Mixed Bag

Part of the day was ok today. Now the tensions back, and I was doing so well this afternoon! I need to get everybody in line for meals at different times. Anybody up for mid day meals?  It's tough trying to cook for just Christina and I. Neither one of us eats much and that makes meal prep a lot harder then it used to be! Plus the company would probably be very beneficial. Prayer is a mighty source of power. Prayer has helped so much. This morning was tough because I was so tired of trying to be strong... even though I need to be. Lack of sleep and not being able to eat properly caught up with me.  Prayer pulled me thru though. And i'm sure that will happen many a time during this process. God sure does work in mysterious ways!