Almost there!

Just about a year has now passed since our lives totally changed course, since my husband disappeared. Many good things have happened this year, many good realizations about myself have happened. I've learned how much comfort my Father can supply when I draw close to Him. I've learned to be more compassionate to others because you never know what is really going on in their lives. I'm learning what it is like to really truly have a growing business that will supply the income you need. (Getting there! 7 for sure new clients... maybe 8) And most of all I've learned that life goes on and you can indeed make a better life for yourself if you don't focus on the 'what could have been's', the 'what I wish hadn't happened',  and the 'life isn't fair, why did that happen?'. So this year the focus is on growing even more spiritually, helping my younger daughter through the bumps of this next year, being a new grandma (in April, older daughter) and continuing to grow my businesses. (I'm also starting an adult foster care placement business that will most likely tie in with my senior bookkeeping).

For those of you who really know me you know that I am NOT a real social person but all my new business has come from networking. So I'm learning to become more social! Who knows I may even try my hand at teaching some classes this next year!! That would be amazing but since I'm getting into the senior side of bookkeeping I can see where that might be a possibility and possibly bring in some extra income. Maybe even some classes about payroll... I've had some amazing help in getting over my fear of talking in groups where I know nobody, thank you Michelle Wirta!!!

For all who have helped us through this last year both spiritually and naturally THANK YOU!!!! I've got to say I'm looking forward to what this next year will bring! The different lives I'll have an opportunity to touch. I hope everybody has had a wonderful holiday weekend and my heart and prayers go out to those who are going through a year of  their own 'firsts'.

Holidays

One down, another to go and then it will have been a year. It's been a tough week. My parents being here has helped me to hold it together, also being really busy running everywhere helped as well earlier this week. The family was all split up this year on Thanksgiving Day. Erika's off on her own and is on to a new life, Dave's mom chose to simply stay home this year and do nothing. So we went to friends for Thanksgiving. (Love their property!) So very thankful for wonderful fellowship. There is just something about the holidays that makes it harder, I guess maybe it's because several days were spent together with family time where everything else over the year was just a day here or there.

As I just wrote someone, our Father's plan is perfect, but oh boy is it hard to see that at times. My prayer is that we can simply fall into line with what he has planned. That's where true peace is, true rest is. I need to keep reminding myself that it's a day at a time that pulls us through. Don't focus on the really big picture because that's way to overwhelming.  We're provided with what we NEED not what we WANT!!! With really tight finances it is becoming very clear the line between needs and wants.

But jobs are starting to filter in. It does seem like the small jobs are the ones I'm getting though. Every decent sized job has been a no go. Got to remind myself of my Father's plan each time a job falls through. I guess I can touch more lives if I have to take more smaller jobs! :)  So life goes on in the Mekvold household. And day by day we'll make it through.

Life's a journey.....

In building my business I've done so much networking this last couple of months that technically I should be overflowing with work in another couple of months. Only problem is is that in this economy it takes a lot more work networking wise to get a business to the thriving point then it use to. People just aren't as willing to set aside money for even basic things like bookkeeping. But I really feel my Father's hand in guiding my life even business wise. It's amazing some of the connections I've made due to networking.  Even admist my now very busy life, there's still many times that I wonder where my husband is and what he's up to. Is he safe, is he well? I have a feeling that will pop up a lot over the years. I'm hoping it won't take that long for us to find out what happen though! Life is a journey but I have to say I feel like I've made a lifetime journey in one year this year!!

I also have the absolute best 16 year old daughter anyone could ask for! She's an awesome kid! She has her struggles without a doubt but she's so loving and caring. This has been rough year for her emotionally but she's pulling through. She's doing well in school and has found an outlet in art and painting. I think that art has really helped her this year. As for my older daughter... She's engaged now! More news on that front in a little bit! But she's doing really well. 

In sitting here and typing this I'm pondering the journey of this last year. It's so real to me that our Father has a purpose for each of us. It's up to us if we're willing for that purpose or not, He allows us to make that choice. But you know, our Father actually already knows what our decision is going to be. He knows our thoughts and the purpose in our heart. I can see where I was being prepared for Dave's decision. I was being made stronger, our minds were being prepared to accept what was going to happen. It sounds odd but looking back I can see where that happened. It's still been a very hard year but I believe having spiritual strength has made it a much easier journey when all is said and done. Our decisions effect those around us and I want to make sure I'm staying close to my Father so that the decisions I make would be according to his will and as result be a help and a comfort to those around me.

Exciting news... :)

I start a new job tomorrow. I'll be entering 2008-current financial information. And then it'll turn into a small monthly job. Also this week I have an expo that'll I'll be in since I just joined the Gresham Chamber. It's for all the new chamber members. I'm picturing a shoe box and a plastic grocery bag with receipts in them and then an organized folder system as my display. Not sure how you display bookkeeping!! I've got my regular business brochures now and senior bookkeeping brochures as well as business cards so I think I'm set! They're thinking that there could be as many as 400 people coming through. I hope I have enough brochures and cards! I also meet a possible new client tomorrow. Step by step it's looking up! We can get so impatient but our Father has perfect timing and I have to keep reminding myself of that!

Update on our life...

I've been wanting to write a post for a bit but never seem to have the time! Life is getting on a fairly even keel. I will say I'll be glad when the next couple of months are over and the 'first' are done! I've said this before but it's still amazing to me how your sub conscience is so aware and kicks anxiety in before your even consciencely aware of what's coming! We've heard absolutely nothing over the months. I believe he's alive but that's simply a personal belief with absolutely nothing to support it. We sure have appreciated the support and prayers!

I've been working very hard at getting my business up and going and am seeing some nibbles. Lots of networking is being done! I pretty much beat Christina out the door most mornings (at least 3 out of the 5) going to those networking meetings. And she's typically out by 7:20. But in the end that's what builds business! Then lots of one on one meetings with people I've met at the networking meetings. I'm a pretty reserved person naturally speaking so this has been quite a change for me! So with all of this, hopefully nibbles will turn into gobbles!! :)  For quite a while I struggled with what I was doing, was I headed in the right direction or not??? Should I keep pursuing my business or just find a 'job'?? I felt like God wanted me where I was but was getting pretty discouraged with what I saw as lack of progress. Right after our church conventions I had this 'AH HA' moment. I wanted to try and help seniors, I had a bookkeeping business, Help seniors with bookkeeping!! I did it for my grandma for years and am semi-helping my parents, I have the experience. Interestingly enough, ever since, it's felt like things are falling into line. Can't say I'm making the money yet but it really feels like i'm headed in the right direction. I love the assurance we get along the way from our Father. My biggest hope at this point is that those that I'm around when I'm networking and dong jobs will see our Fathers Spirit in me and as a result see something that they want. I don't believe in 'preaching' to everybody but I pray that the life I live will do that for me. If I keep Him first then everything WILL work together for good!

Erika is now engaged!!! She just gave me the news today. So sometime next year my oldest daughter will be married! Wow, so hard to believe!

Habits....

It's become quite real to me this time how ingrained habits can be, ingrained to the point of us not even realizing it! This month I couldn't figure out why the anxiety that had been gone for a little suddenly showed back up. Dave's birthday is this month but not until the end of the month. I realized though that this is when we'd start really pushing him for what he wanted for his birthday. My subconscious mind remembered that and triggered that anxiety of another broken routine. I'm learning to cope with the anxiety better now, at least once I figure out the root cause of it! It got me to thinking of other habits that we form and aren't even aware of anymore because they are so ingrained. How many habits are hindering my spiritual growth? I need to do some serious looking at my daily routines, weekly routines etc. They could even be routines that happen only at certain times of the year, as with the 'firsts' that we're dealing with this year. This is a year of really huge changes and I want to use those changes grow stronger spiritually. Am so thankful we have a Father that we can ask for help from, a Father that will give us strength if we're willing to ask. A Father that will make it possible for me to continue to grow spiritually and have inner peace even in the worst of times.

A dear friend gone....

About a week and half ago a dear friend passed away. She was only 35. It sure helps bring into perspective even more the saying "You never know what tomorrow will bring". In her case there are no more tomorrows. No more time to make sure that the life lived is what would be acceptable to our Father. No more time to live a life that would bring salvation. In her case there's no doubt in my mind that she loved our Father, that she received salvation. There was almost always a smile on her face. Life didn't necessarily bring her what she wanted, I know there were some things she wanted but just weren't meant to be. So she lived for others, and especially kids. She was a special, special lady and has left an even deeper longing in my heart to draw closer and closer to our Father. That's what life is about.

Bit Better....

Life is continuing on. Overall it hasn't been too bad at all. There are just those days that are a bit harder then others. I've pretty much reached the point that although I love and care for Dave, I'm a lot more worried about him for his souls sake. I don't really mind if we ever get together just that he comes around spiritually to where our Father can work on him. We've been on our own for close to 7 months now and are building a new life, so if he were to decide to make contact but not come back home I think we'd be okay. Especially if he isn't interested in meetings. It'd be hard, I know that, but after this long on our own it'd be okay. I just love the way it has all worked out though. Looking back over the last months, and even before that, I can see the our Father's hand in our lives. The preparing so to speak before Dave left and just the guiding and comforting since. There's a verse I've really appreciated this last week in 1 John. "Perfect love casts out fear" to know I can go through life without fear because I have a Father that knows exactly what I need and when I have complete love and trust in Him then those needs (not wants) will be taken care of. No fear wondering where life is going to take me because I know that whatever happens is for the best. It's in our human nature to worry though, wonder when the jobs are coming in (very slowly trickling in, maybe a new client tomorrow?). It's a fight against the human nature, but with prayer it's doable!

We heard tonight that He doesn't save us from the experience but IN the experience. Daniel was put in the den of lions (the experience) but the mouth of the lions was closed (saved IN the experience). We need to go through experiences to grow spiritually. We won't know the power of our Father unless we go THROUGH experiences, then He can show us His power. But we need to pray for that help, acknowledge we need it.

Convention season is just around the corner and I'm so looking forward to it. So thankful for those who have stayed faithful and for the examples set.

4th of July

18 years ago today my husband proposed to me, just over 6 months ago it came to an end. We never know what is around the corner. I'm very thankful for the good years we had. It at least allowed a seed to be planted. Whether it grows or not only time will tell. Each one of us is given a chance to choose our Father's way or turn our back on it. I'm just so very thankful for the strength that can be found when I'm willing. I can honestly say I'm doing pretty well for the most part now, there's iffy moments now and again but I'm sure that'll happen for quite a while to come! There's such a comfort in knowing that there's a purpose to everything and it's only for our betterment that things happen, even the really tough experiences. I know i'm repeating myself but there's no way I could be where I'm at unless Dave had disappeared. As strange as it seems, although i love the guy dearly and miss him, it's probably the best thing that could have happened to me spiritually. I still don't know what's in store for Christina and I. My business is very slow still but with conventions coming up and preps starting in a month that might not be a bad thing!! I'm looking forward to being able to do more there this year and that will only be possible if business stays slow. On a side note I'm able to sit in my chair in the living room and see fireworks from the street behind us. It appears there's a new person on the block because that has never happened before! Pretty when they set them off but the cats aren't so happy about it because it's pretty loud since it so close!!

Rose Parade, B-Day, Fathers Day...

All are within one week basically. Today was the parade. It was a tradition with us to get up nice and early and drive in so we could have a good place to park and to sit. We decided not to go and besides that Christina had a fund raiser thing for SkillsUSA at 11am, right in the middle of the parade. I was very surprised how hard today was. I guess those tradition things get you! Luckily that really is the only tradition day we had that wasn't connected to a special day. Now comes my birthday and then Fathers Day.  Dave was the one that gave me my "main" present and Fathers Day speaks for itself. It sure makes me thankful for the comfort that we can have spiritually. It's such a struggle to keep the mind from dwelling on scenarios. Some days I have real good success, other days (like today) a horrible time. I think the devil knows when the bumps will come and jumps right in at the most vulnerable time. I keep picturing the thoughts being booted out and they keep creeping back in. GRRR!!! My thoughts keep going back to the shield of Faith. Deeper and deeper trust in our Father, that's one of the keys. He knows and plans the way.
I am frustrated with the lack of work, no matter how hard I try. And various means that I go about seem to not do anything. One of the CPA's I talked with said that they're letting people know and I know other's have as well. So I guess it's still not time for things to happen yet! There seems to be an occasional blip where something just seems to "work out". Not job wise but just kind of a step in allowing something to happen, kind of like winning 500 free business cards at a networking event last week. I needed those cards and it just kind of worked out. So I guess I need to stop the impatience and just let things work the way they will. I can't stop doing my part job wise but when things (or I am) ready to go then the ground work is laid. I do believe part of it is that I'm still not completely ready. It's amazing how there is a definite process, naturally speaking, that people go through in times of trauma. Having that help spiritually definitely helps, helps you get over each step quicker, but it DOESN'T stop the step by step process from happening. That's really where we can show our love to our Father and develop a deeper relationship with Him and His Son.

Next step

I truly thought most steps had been taken in this process but it hit me yesterday while I was mowing the yard that that isn't so. :(  There's a reason I've been having trouble getting completely motivated for work. If I am to be completely honest with myself it has to do with hoping that Dave will pop back into our lives and I won't have to worry about working full time to make ends meet. So now I need to work on that. I know that there's a good chance that even if he were to eventually show up that it could be years before it happened. I know my husband. So now comes the getting my heart and mind to the point where it's completely accepted. This up in the air part is very hard to get over. Everytime I think I'm over the hump I realize that there's still a ways to go. My deepest hope is that our Father would use me in whatever way is most profitable and that my husband would allow that seed that was planted over the last few years to grow.

5 months....

It's hard to believe that it's only been 5 months. It really feels like much long then that! We're pretty much into a normal routine now. Unfortunately business pretty much stinks. As I've said many times before, there IS a purpose for the way things happen. I'm not sure the purpose for me getting no new accounts but I know it'll become obvious down the road. There have been a couple of opportunities that have seemed VERY promising only to fall through and not happen at all. So time will tell! At least I do know that I have a Father that will always be there for me. That helps tremendously!  And I have some absolutely wonderful friends that have been there the whole way. So thankful for them! Never thought I'd be where I am after only 5 months. Life does indeed go on and with Faith we too can go on with the assurance there is One that will always be there for us and love us.

Thankful...

I now understand how you can be thankful for tribulation. These last few weeks I've become more and more thankful for this experience because it has brought me so much closer to God then I've ever been. It's taught me a lot about myself that I didn't want to admit to, or be willing to see, before. It's taught me how truly powerful God is in our lives, even in the everyday part of life. I wouldn't want to wish on any spouse/child what has happened to us because it is hard! But in the end life is going to be sweeter for it. The joy in tribulation. There's one that will never leave us and never forsake us and I surely don't want to leave Him or forsake Him! We can come out of an experience hard or soft, it just depends how much we allow God to be in the experience... something to that affect was written on facebook yesterday... and it's so very true. Here's hoping my husband figures out the true meaning of life before it's too late for him!

Another mile stone past... few more to go

We made it past Mother's Day fairly well. My girls were great! Christina made me a very sweet Mother's Day card and breakfast and the girls took me out to dinner with Erika and Blake paying. This one had to be hard for Dave's mom. Next month is going to be the hard one for me. My birthday and Father's Day are within days of each other. I know we'll get through it, it may just be tough. I'm just so thankful for the strength that comes from my Father. I'm truly okay. Thanks to forgiveness the tension is pretty much gone and thanks to prayer it's easier to accept what has happened and just allow it to make me stronger spiritually and actually feel some thankfulness for the experience in that it's brought me so much closer to my Father. I know we have a ways to go before the experience is over, there's still just too many unknowns but if I can hold on to my faith then we'll be okay. Now if I could get a few more bookkeeping clients!

4 months

It's been a while! Overall things are going better but this 4 month mark seems to be hard and also with Mother's Day coming up. I feel for my mother-in-law! Being Dave's her only son/child. We'll have to do something special that day for ourselves! I'm trying to not think about the why's, it does no good and just gets me tensed up. God knows where Dave is and knows his heart and knows when the right time is for things to happen and I need to be content with that. I still don't have any new accounts (except for the one in February). The payroll accounts I was hoping to get, looks like they won't happen. :-( And it was so promising! Guess it's not time yet! Can't wait for next week, warm garden weather. Maybe I'll start a blog on my garden! :-)

Forgiveness

It came to me today as I was reading in 2 Corth. Although I not I'm angry with Dave, have I really forgiven him for what he did? Where there's unforgiveness  there's a opening for Satan to work. I'm thinking that's part of why I'm finding it hard to get on with life so to speak. To find the peace in the situation. Satan hits our weak points and this is a very weak point for me right now. I miss him terribly, pray that he'll allow God to work in him before it's too late but other then praying I can do nothing but forgive and be the best example I can be.

On another note, Christina made it to nationals for SkillsUSA in advertising design! She gets to represent Oregon in that section of the competition. She's so excited! and so am I! And 4 A's and 3 B's on her progress report!

The struggle to accept continues....

It's become quite obvious over the last few weeks that I'm not supposed to know ANYTHING at this point. A little door all the sudden will open to possibly learn something then it slams shut just as quick with nothing learned. The struggle comes in accepting that.  Human nature demands that I know something and I know at this point that simply isn't going to happen. I feel like today has been a little easier in accepting it but then it's just the start of the day! Strength to accept comes through prayer and from God. I appreciated what we heard Sunday evening. God works in the heart and the conscience of the lost. God knows what's going on with the lost. I need to continually remind myself that God is in control. And at this point it's apparently better that we don't know what is going on.
On another note. I got more stuff gone through yesterday. The yard sale pile grows bigger and bigger! And slowly things get less and less cluttered.

Leave it in God's hands

That was the message i got from meetings yesterday and from reading this morning. This morning I just randomly picked up some notes to read and low and behold this was in them:  Trust in the Lord, delight in the Lord, and commit thy way to the Lord.  Then rest in the Lord.  Just sit back with perfect confidence.  That is what it means to rest in the Lord.  You put your situation in His hands, you put your life in His hands, you put your cares in His hands, you turn the situation over to Him, and then you rest calmly, sit back and wait for Him to take over, because you have all the faith in the world that you do the right thing and the Lord will take over and do what you can’t do. Doing the right thing in this situation is to have the Faith that God will do what's best. I'm working REAL hard at leaving it in his hands. I struggle daily with my mind wandering to different solutions. I'll get everything on track and before I know it off my mind goes again. So the goal is to have that complete rest which means I'll have reached that complete trust and faith. What a wonderful thought that when we have that and leave it to him he'll take over and take care of the situation and do what's best for us. Really when all is said and done, I'm telling God I don't trust him completely when I'm trying to figure out what might have happened to/with Dave. Why does it have to be so hard to overcome the human nature?  I feel like I DESERVE answers, the human nature response. The answer very well may be this is what needed to happen for me to grow, for Dave to eventually accept God. Looking back I can certainly see God's hand and yet it's still a struggle to let go even seeing that. This experience has sure shown me just how much I try to solve things under my own power. One more very valuable lesson is being learned. One that would have taken much longer for me to acknowledge if Dave hadn't disappeared. And I still miss the guy despite everything. I think it's harder to let go when you have lots and lots of good memories and very few bad ones.

Pattern

So I'm noticing a pattern now. By the end of each week I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. Sunday comes and that helps me get my focus back to where it needs to be. It's funny how out of nowhere the missing can hit you! I'm just thankful that I have some wonderful daughters! So I am working on keeping my focus more on the spiritual and less on what I can do nothing about. I know that in turn will help me to be the best mom I can be and best example I can be to others. And I'll work on building my business so I can at least pay the necessary bills.
Yesterday was good because I was able to get out and mow (first time ever!) and work in the yard. I'm just glad I did more last fall to prepare things then I normally do so there are some things that are already done that typically wouldn't be yet. Funny how that happened in a few areas of my life. All the more reason to know that God is in control and knows what we will need.

Funny how some things work out......

I had an absolutely horrible experience yesterday with a client, now former client, that really was nothing of my doing. But what happen yesterday actually made today go easier in the end. Funny how what happened yesterday helped me today. It just goes to show God can turn a experience that left you wondering which way was up into something good if handled with the proper spirit. And believe me it was a struggle to handle it with the proper spirit! Whenever I think of what has happened I feel like I'm living in a dream. It just doesn't seem real! So I just need to apply the handling it with a proper spirit because then it can be made into a rich experience. But it's soooo hard sometimes to keep that proper spirit. I get soooo tired of trying to hold everything together.

Focus....

Three months. It's been a real roller coaster of emotions. I sometimes allow myself to start dwelling on the what if's, or to worry about Dave but all that does is start tying my insides into knots. There's not a thing I can do about any of it. Is Dave miserable? I've got to think he is and if he doesn't make things right with God it really scares me where he'll be but all I can do is pray for him. Pray that he'll allow God to do his work in his heart and life.  When life is done all that's going to matter if we're right with God. No relationships will matter, no job will matter, it won't matter how much money I have or how many possessions I have, just if I've been willing for God to lead my life. That's the perspective I've been reminding myself of the last few days. It's helped a lot in taking some of the tension away. There's just way too many unknowns right now to do anything but focus on allowing God to lead my life. Each day I do what I can and set up appointments for the coming weeks. But knowing what's going to happen with my business, where we'll be even a month from now financially or personally, not a single clue. But God know so that needs to be good enough. Naturally I much better off then many in this world regardless of what's happened. I still have my family minus my husband, still have my health, a roof over my head, a absolutely wonderful, caring circle of friends and most of all God in my life. It's all about focusing on what REALLY matters. BUT it's sooo very easy to get mired in the negatives that are going on. I prayed a lot last year that i would learn patience.... this year I'm praying that I have the strength to be have patience necessary to get through an experience where only patience will work.  I also prayed and still do that whatever it takes for Dave to accept God would happen. I would have to say both those prayers are being worked on at this point.  I just want to be willing to accept the answers to my prayers, even when they lead me down paths that I would never have imagined.

Totally Overwhelmed!

Today has been totally overwhelming. In sitting down to try and come up with a bio and information for a business website it's just really hit how much life is changing. It's been a good day in that I may have two new clients. One I meet through my networking lunches, the other one though I'm not real sure where he got my name and number. I'll have to ask him Monday! At heart I'm one who loves to stay at home and raise my kids and take care of the home front and that obviously just isn't going to work now. Can I just bury my head for a while? The answer, of course, is no but it sure sounds like a good idea to me! I'm just hoping that Dave is okay because I can't kick the feeling that something's going on. I'm sure wishing we could go to Mountain Ranch this year! I'm so in need of a convention! But I'm hoping by then I'll be busy with work. There's always Parma or...

Brand new week

So hopefully this week goes better then last week! I really thought things were getting much better then last week hit and I was struggling majorly again. Today I've gotten a better perspective now and again. The kitchen is partially gone through so hopefully I can finish that sometime this week. It's so nice having nice neat cupboards! We're realizing there's a lot of things that wouldn't have happened if Dave hadn't disappeared. Like the house being rearranged and the kitchen getting a through going through. The get together's that we've been to and had at our house. Christina probably wouldn't have started sewing. She made a little organizer that can be hung up and put things like scissors and the like in. Meeting helped today. Reminded once again when we are in the center of His will then nothing else around us really matters because we're centered on Him. It's so hard to keep Him the center and so easy to let everything else in life take over. Someone also mentioned the time we spend preparing for eternity is so little compared to the total of our life. And yet it's the most important thing. And the first thing that the devil tries to take away is fellowship with God and his people (going to meetings, praying). Fellowship is very important, it's what keeps us encouraged and thus why it's the first thing the devil works on. Now I just need to keep all of this foremost in my heart and mind and this week will go much better!

Good reminders...

I found comfort in the reminder tonight that it's okay to be in waiting mode. Keep praying, keep waiting and in his will, all things in time will be revealed. No matter what happens if it's God's will all will eventually be revealed. Whether it's what's going on with Dave or where Christina and my life will be headed, it will be revealed. There was also the reminder that life altering experiences can be distracting but we need to remember not to become unwilling or bitter because that could lead us to be become hard and easily lead astray. This has certainly been a life altering experience! And this past week it has become some what distracting since i'm trying to deal with the tension once again. So I also loved the thought that God never takes something from us without giving us something better in return. Of course humanly speaking I got to wonder what that would be being that it's my husband, my girls father that's been taken so to speak. But again God will reveal in time. It seems like so much longer but it hasn't even been three months yet, almost three months but not quite. So we're still pretty early in this process.

Yikes!!

This week has NOT been a great week tension wise. Tonight was really bad and as a result the "craft" room is now pretty much gone through and cleaned and sorted. I think, maybe?, that bed is getting to be a possibility. And tomorrow we're supposed to go down and visit friends in Salem. Hopefully I don't fall asleep on everyone! It feels like my name is starting to get out a little bit for bookkeeping referral. Hopefully the next couple of months I see a growth in business. Been to 3 networking meetings now so that'll help too. I'm getting a lot of good contacts to help me set things up and learning some interesting information. Step by step! It was pointed out I actually have a little "niche" for bookkeeping since I know how to take things like paypal spreadsheets and break them down to put into quickbooks. Since the Japan earthquake the hymn Life at best is very brief has been going through my head off and on. Millions of people started the day as normal and over 10,000 never saw another day and millions have had their life turned around. I'm thankful that we have a Father that is always there. I can't imagine what all those people are going through without that care of God. God can use this for good too, hopefully there will be those that are willing to admit their need.

Changes....

Lots of irons in the fire but no new business really yet. It's so hard sometimes to have the patience to wait for the changes that will come but simply take time to come. If that makes any sense at all. It would be soooo nice if the lower tension would just go away! Most days aren't too bad really but the last few have been. I can tell that my patience is throughly being tested this week because of that. I just have to keep reminding myself that whatever God's will is for our lives is what matters. In the end things have a way of working out for the best when you have the patience to allow it to happen. It's just so hard to believe that you can know somebody for so many years and yet not know them at all really. It's little comfort that everybody is in the same boat with Dave, his mom included. I pray for his souls sake that he allows God to work in his heart and allows Him to help him do the right thing. Sometimes you wish you could just make others see the strength that God supplies but we can't. He gave us a will of our own and we need to admit Him into our heart, admit our need, in order to get that strength and help.  Some of us just value our own will too much, are too stubborn to admit need and in the end it makes for a miserable life. Sure there are times that seem good but they always end with a person looking once again for something that brings pleasure/comfort. With God that comfort is always there, it's always accessible. Most of this I've said before but tonight it was just feeling real again. Thank you for allowing me to ramble.

Getting better

Things are going better. I'm gradually getting everything straightened out from moving everything around. I'm so thankful the way God works in our lives. When we are patient enough for his will then things have a tendency to work out and fall into place. I've experienced that so much in the last couple of months. And the strength that is supplied, it's so hard to describe. It's amazing to me how many people will toss out that access to God, to the strength he supplies, to the love that we are given, because of I, me, my, but i want being more important. The life that's all about what's important to me is full of chaos and turmoil when all is said and done. There's temporary pleasure but it always ends and then the process to find pleasure starts again. It's a viscous cycle. I'm thankful that God's given me the chance to experience his wonderful presence and strength.

Overwhelming...

It just seems like there's so much to take care of. I'm finding it much too easy to get overwhelmed by it all. In the evening i'll realize that there are some things that should have got done and done they're not. I suppose in the end it will all come out in the wash but it's frustrating! It still hard to believe all that has happened. Hard to believe that someone can just up and leave everything in life behind. I can't imagine the turmoil someone must be in to do that. I'm thankful though that good has come from it. My biggest hope, of course, is that Dave finds his way to God and allows Him to heal him. The only thing I can do is pray for his soul. For me God HAS to be the focus because that's the only way to really pull through. It's really hard not to keep thinking about the not knowing. But God DOES know so I need to leave it in His hands.

I'm going to try something new tomorrow to try and help get business. Going to a networking lunch. Needless I'm a bit nervous! Going into crowds where no one is known isn't very easy! I'm hoping that in time this will help.

The little things...

I realized today where my biggest weakness is going to be for now. The little things  I miss about Dave. The hug that i'd get when cooking.  The little teasing things he'd do. They're good memories but for now they seem to be something that the devil is using to drag me down. It's frustrating! The devil looks for the weakest link to get to us and unfortunately that appears to be mine. I'm glad I at least understand why I've been struggling the last few days. I'm thankful for a Father that can help with that. And lots of friends that are there for us. And a kitty that loves me. :)  She's laying on me right now making it real hard to type.

Remember that spouse of your's is precious. Love and respect them. We never know when that will end.

Thoughts....

Anniversary day today. So it's going to be a busy day so I can keep distracted!! I'm sure it won't completely work but I'm hoping it will for the most part. The thoughts going through my mind today are the importance of God. There's a verse in our hymn book (106) that makes me so sad.  In the valley of hesitation, countless millions have lingered and died, When the cost seemed too great for salvation, and too lowly His way for their pride. The chorus says If only we knew when life is through, No one would weary his bidding to do; None would dispise the heavenly prize Waiting for me and for you. It's so hard knowing that this applies to most of my family. Doing what I want today just seems more important with no thought for what happens if I don't make it through today. God can help ANYBODY no matter what they've done. Our whole life here is just a tiny tiny portion of how long eternity is. It's like a grain of sand on the beach, with all the rest of the sand being eternity. To be able to have more peace and contentment here then a lot do, to have the ability to handle adversity with a semblance of calm and feel that calmness, to have someone (God) there even when no one else is that can help with the agony that life brings. It more then makes up for allowing His will to be done rather then our own. And then to have given up our will for one grain of time compared to millions of grains of joy and peace in eternity.....

Rough days

With the anniversary getting so close and going thru some of the paperwork around Dave's work area it's been a rough time. I'm trying to get things cleaned up from everything getting moved last Saturday. I found the last card he gave me and it was the sweetest most loving card. It's days like this I keep reminding myself that God knows what's best for me and my girls. But those ole human emotions like to come into play. I read something today that said that without the battle there could be no victory and without the victory there could be no joy. And we're not going to get the victory without God's help. I'm not going to get victory once and be done, it's a series of victories each day. I pray one day my husband will be willing to go to God and get his own victory. Thanks to Dave there's been a lot exposed that I need to work on. A lot that I'd really love to have Dave's forgiveness on. Stuff that probably never would have been changed if he hadn't left. Hopefully one day we'll hear from him and maybe I can get that forgiveness. Even if we don't know where Dave is God does. And He's just waiting to help Dave, if the help hasn't started already.

Up and down...

My emotions are all over the place today. House repair problems are bring home even more Dave being gone. I found out that for some unknown reason boards were put in the foundation? Unfortunately they are now rotting.   :(  Not good! John B. has a plan though so I'm depending on him to get it fixed! Fingers crossed it works! I don't need that foundation shifting! And then there's the carport roof... more dryrot. That's still pretty small area though, at least i think is, i hope it is! I'm just taking it as it comes, there's a reason that Jesus said todays troubles are sufficient, tomorrows are hidden.

I've now got my Saturday all booked up. So that's a good thing. Hopefully it'll distract me at least partially. Being it's our anniversary i'll need it!

Hard week coming up....

Yesterday had some pretty iffy times and today as well. Next Saturday is our Anniversary. I know I'll pull thru but just the thought of going thru our anniversary day not knowing where Dave is is heart wrenching. A lot of changes have been made, a lot of positive has happened but that doesn't stop a person from terribly missing the person who they've loved for so many years and wishing they were back and involved in your life! In time maybe... Only God knows and it's better that way anyway. All I can really do is to continue to allow God to use this situation to bring me closer to him and pray that the same is done for those around me. And that Dave will allow God to work.  

Step by step Progress

I can feel a definite change in my coping as each day goes by. It gets better each day. I'm just so thankful that God is there, his care and keeping. I am trying to focus on the positives that have happened because of Dave disappearing, and there has been several.  There are still going to be those bumps in the road, as there was the other day, but those bumps are a bit fewer now. The big ones come when I have to handle something that Dave always took care of.  My patience still needs a ton of work though because I still just want it done with! God's time is not our time though. If he's working with Dave or with others that have been touched by this process that takes time, sometimes a lot of time. So I just keep praying for that patience and that God's will be done. I know what I want to happen but is it God's will?

Could be worse...

After learning what a cousin is going thru with her marriage break-up and my brothers going thru with his, I actually feel pretty lucky. My money wasn't touched, and I don't know what is going on in any detail and I have my daughter. Although not knowing is hard in some ways it's probably really a blessing. I'm able to raise my daughter, at this point anyway, with the values that match my own. Although I will say that I was very lucky with the respect that Dave showed for my values, and I've got to wonder if that's part of why things happened this way, if that makes any sense at all. My hope is one day I will hear from him or at least learn something. But as I've said before, I need to be willing for God's will.

Today was hard in that I had to do some shopping that Dave always did. I muddled my way thru but wow, it's amazing something that would seem so easy is so hard emotionally. My living room has really inspired me to get the rest of the house done. Unfortunately I need to wait for the weather to get nice before I can empty the family room of all the yard sale stuff, and there's starting to be quite a bit of it.

Rearranging/murphy's law

Well, today was the day for the living room. It actually turned out really nice. It's more open and yet more cozy at the same time. I'm struggling a bit now though because I know that Dave would have really like the arrangement and it's hard coping with the fact that he may very well never see the changes being made that he'd love. As murphy's law goes. I found out I need to do something with our carport roof. :( It's a flat roof and the way it's set up the water pools in the middle and it's now leaking thru and dripping in the carport. Not good! So somewhere in the near future something needs to be done with that before dry rot really becomes a big issue. I know it's already started since it's leaking. But for now it needs to sit on the back burner since there's not a thing I can do about it.

Go Figure

Well I guess that iffy spell came a bit sooner then I expected! Say the corners turned and then comes a bad morning.  But it's amazing how focusing on God can help! It so wonderful to have that assurance that He'll always be there. I'm also thankful to have such wonderful kids! That has helped tremendously as well. I just keep coming back to the feeling that this was something that needed to happen. There were no doubt it was many things that accumulated leading to Dave running. I'm sure that some of it was me frustrating him about something, but that's kind of hard to know for sure what since nothing was said. But none the less it just seems like there could have been something in each step of the process to stop him, someone to ask why he was doing something so odd like packing up a desk and yet nothing/no one did stop him. So I'm thinking it was allowed. God's will? I can't see that but he does give us free will so he allowed Dave to go thru with it. There's been many changes, good changes, for me so even in the worst of situations there can be much good come from it if you allow it.

Now it would be very nice if one issue could be solved before the next one comes. Instead they just kind of seem to nest one into the other. I'm still dealing with some of my grandma's stuff and she's been gone a year now. One of these days! Thanks for allowing me to rant!!!

Turning the corner a bit?

We had a really nice evening last night with some of our friends and our workers (ministers).  There is something very therapeutic in those visits for me. This last several days I really feel like a corner has been turned. I'm really hoping it stays that way!!! It doesn't mean I don't miss Dave still because I do, very much so. But it is now to the point that I can handle that missing him better. With the circumstances what they are there will always be wonderings, they'll just more in the back of the mind because life does go on there's the everyday things that need to take priority. There's nothing I can do with what he did but wind myself up but there is something I can do each day for my daughter and myself to make our lives better and more profitable. The only thing I can do for him is pray that he will be willing for God's will.  I know he knows where Oregon conventions are and when they are so maybe one day we'll see him there....Of course I'd love to see him much sooner but only God knows that one. One sure thing is we are all much different people then we were when this started.  We just don't ever know what life has in store for us, and in some cases like this it's a good thing!

I truly believe it is only because of God's help I'm to the point I am. Now I just need to continue to let him do his work, keep depending on him the way I have since this started. There will still be bad days, of that I have no doubt. One will be our anniversary that's coming up in just 2 1/2 weeks. 17 years. But with God each day can be pulled thru, and with a lot less misery then I'd of had without him. I know there are still changes that need to be made within me and I'm sure I'll be reflecting on some of those as time goes because this really seems to help. Until those are shown me I'm focusing on the house cleaning. Hopefully Saturday we can get the living room done. Then maybe the kitchen, while i still go thru the office/dump room.... A uncluttered house is a nice goal to have!

Valentines....

Just everybody remember that your sweethearts are precious. Even though there may be struggles, there's someone there that in the end is there for you! There's someone to talk to, to discuss issues with, to help raise the kids, to give a hug.....

I've been doing some reflecting on one of the issues we had. I'm a clutter, and Dave is the opposite. I think he'd given up on me on that issue, although in the last year or so i'd really been trying to get better. Maybe this is too personal but it gets my thought across saying it. He would gripe about me being like my parents and I'd get upset because I knew I wasn't even close to them in that issue. I'd get stuck on that comment and not realize that although I wasn't near as bad with my clutter that I DID have the same TENDENCY that they did, so in the end yes I WAS just like my parents. It's just so irritating to me that it took him disappearing for me to see the light on that. I guess if nothing else it shows that good can come from a horrible experience. My house is becoming a MUCH cleaner/less cluttered place!! Although I have lots of sorting a getting rid of to do! So just because I might not be as bad as someone in something that doesn't mean it makes it okay. I need to look beyond that and to the heart of the matter, when all is said and done I am just like whoever because I'm doing the same thing, even though it is to a lesser degree, it's still the samething. I'm trying to focus on the good coming from this experience. The ways that God has been there for me. The strength that he's given me. The growth that I've seen taking place in Christina. The changes he's making in me. All positives that to some degree or another could have taken years to make if this hadn't happened.

I hope everybody has a very happy Valentines Day!!! My brother was a sweetie and sent me a miniature rose plant today. And we had dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend. But tonight i'm really feeling the empty spot.

A very nice Day....mental health week

Today started out very nicely when we found a perfect cabinet for the rearranging of the living room. Then Dave's work once again went above and beyond what i ever would have expected them to do. Little by little i'm starting to get clutter taken care of. My poor kitties didn't know what to do with the fireplace hearth! And the stuff from there wasn't just dumped somewhere else. I'm just dreading the office/dump room! We had a wonderful dinner with friends but tonight that silly tension is back. I'm really looking forward to the day it will stay away ALL day! Of course the quickest way for that to happen would be for Dave to return, contacting us would help it but I have a feeling it would still be there somewhat. There's a mention on Facebook about mental health week. It is absolutely amazing to me how much depression can play with a person. The decisions made when in depression can be so opposite of what would have been made if a persons brain is connecting properly. The sad thing is you're so unaware how messed up the thinking and reasoning has become while in that depression. I hope that Dave somehow connects with someone that can help him. One of my medications that I tried in the process of trying to get sleep showed me the affects of depression. I've never felt so close to losing it in my life and that was only a couple of days. I can't imagine what those with depression must be going thru over time. Well this has helped the tension just a tad. Meeting to look forward to tomorrow.

Not just about me, speculations.....

I've just been basically writing about my own side of things, how I see things when I've looked back over time etc. My heart aches for my mother-in-law. She's lost her only son. This is someone that she raised, on her own because Dave's dad died when he was three. This is someone that she loves like she loves no other. And now that son is just gone. Losing a husband is bad enough but losing your own child in this way.... My heart aches for his Aunt Pat and Uncle Frank and his Aunt Brynn, his cousins. Losing a nephew/cousin that they love very much. The just not knowing, it's so hard on the family as a whole. 

A lot of my speculations are based on knowing Dave and snippets of conversations I've had with him. But that's what it is, speculation. Most of it I feel fairly comfortable with. Is it because it helps me feel better that I feel comfortable with those conclusions? I don't know for sure really. Only Dave and God know for sure the whole process that caused this to happen. I feel fairly comfortable in saying he's alive somewhere out there. I also feel fairly comfortable in saying that I believe that he really regrets the extreme nature he took in leaving, I'd like to say he regrets what he did period but again only him and God know. I know that there are changes in me that wouldn't have happened, or would have taken years to happen, if Dave hadn't left. I'm sure it's done the same for others. So the process has been for gain. Dave is a really good guy deep down and I'm praying that sooner or later that will cause him to contact us at the least, if nothing else for his mom and daughter's sakes. We all love him dearly and no matter what has happened that is not going to change. In the end we need to leave it in God's hands, and that can be so very hard to do.

It's hard.... some musings...

It's hard seeing all this advertisement for Valentines and having the guy you love very much MIA. I don't even want to go into stores. There's so many little things that aren't even thought of as possible hangups until something like this happens. I love Christina dearly and we do have good conversations but there's something about having and adult to talk to, your spouse there to talk to that's precious. It's something I took for granted for too many years, because I dearly miss it now. Would we make it without him? Sure, we've done over 6 weeks now but I don't really want to live without him. As I mentioned in one of my first posts though, I don't know what God's plan is in this. I don't know what God's plan is for Dave, or if maybe this experience will help Dave see that there's just a lot of misery in following our own way. It is absolutely amazing what can happen in a life if we allow God to lead. The hard part is letting go of things that you know need to be let go of. A person enjoys doing them and if it brings pleasure, temporary pleasure but none the less for a brief time pleasure, what can be so wrong? But that's the attitude that ends up making someone, who's fighting giving up what they know they need to, miserable, completely utterly miserable. It's amazing how quickly that miserableness can disappear when a person becomes willing to give up/take care of what they've been told needs to be given up/taken care of by God. When it all comes down to it, it's in Gods hands and depends on Dave's willingness to come back if it is God's will.

Just Frustrated today

Several little things have popped up today that were reminders of Dave. Songs, phone call, etc.  He just dropped everything in my lap and said without saying it, deal with it. Where ever he took off to I do believe he regrets it, to a point since he hasn't come back. But I suppose when you cut everyone off so thoroughly it's hard to get the courage up to return. Only problem is the longer your away the harder it is to return.  I read about love and also about Job this morning. Those two go well together because Job loved God. I feel somewhat like Job in this case in that I did absolutely nothing, that i'm aware of anyhow, to bring on what happen. Just all the sudden the person i'd committed my life to disappears and changes my whole course in life on a dime. I do believe the depression issue is still a big factor. I'm thankful that i have God in my life so I can have the ability not to be angry at him, although i'm frustrated in having to deal with the various issues that have come up only because he isn't here. And those issues only seem to get solved the hard way. Setting up a account taking weeks instead of a couple of days because he's joint, lots of that going on. Guess that patience i've mentioned before is being worked on in more then one way. I pray that he can overcome what caused him to run enough to safely return or contact us. Either would be nice at this point.... taxes :(  but mostly because we miss him. Enough rambling for now....

Bit by bit

Little by little I'm getting caught up on work. Getting close to finished with one of the bigger ones I needed to get done. Then I'll need to start their January stuff....and that'll be an even bigger job. But before that I need to finish someone else's 2010 stuff. It's helping a bit to keep my mind occupied. Life has thrown curves that i'd never even thought of but I can see where in the end, whether Dave comes back (I would love that to happen) or not, that it'll have helped both Christina and I grow spiritually. Life just has this habit of going on no matter the confusion in our own little world. So bit by bit we struggle on and do the best we can.

Some good, some bad

I was doing okay overall until this evening. Did get a bit of work done today, so that was good. Got some house cleaning done as well, went into a bit of a frenzy this morning. Just felt I needed to clean so clean I did! I'm looking forward to the next week being over; saw that heart at the end of a weather forecast. It would be so nice to see something but that is totally unrealistic at the moment since i've heard nary a word in 6 weeks. Guys and Gals, be open with your spouses when you're struggling. It could save a lot of heartache down the road. Nobody can help/be there for anybody if they're unaware of a problem. Of course, it does depend on the situation I guess but overall..... and I suppose sometimes you have an idea of what you'd hear and might not want to hear it..... BUT STILL!!!!  Boy do I miss Dave!

Good Reminder

We had a good reminder this afternoon in gospel meeting about what the most important thing to live for is. It's what's to come after our time on this earth; that is what we're living for. We're here only temporarily and for those who are willing for God's will to be worked in their lives there is a wonderful time to come after our time here. It just causes my heart to ache all the more for Dave. Knowing he's out there chasing those things that in the end don't matter at all. I suppose that's really speculation on my part but i'm not sure why else you'd drop literally your whole family unless you felt there was something else out there that you didn't/couldn't have at home. Of course that's where depression comes in I suppose, messes up the logical thinking pattern you normally have. And even knowing all of this I love him and miss him terribly. Sometimes it just hits, all it takes is a little reminder. I'll have trouble with the hymn "I'll say yes to Jesus" because it was the last hymn sung at the last gospel meeting he was in. I love the hymn but it does bring back the memory of when he was with us there. If only he could be there singing it and meaning it........

An up Post!!!

We went to a small wonderful get together with a few ladies/girls tonight. It helped me a lot. So tonight I'm feeling pretty good. The one thing that I can do is pray. God cares for his own, that is a comfort. And I keep working on that patience! Now we'll see if it carries over to sleeping better.

Missing....

I don't feel so close to the edge today but oh boy do I miss Dave. There isn't someone physically there to share the problems with that I might be having, to share the triumphs. I know there's a purpose to what is happening but that doesn't make the emotion of missing someone who's been in your life for 23 years any easier. One day it'll become clear but right now I sure wish it was sooner rather then later. My lack of patience popping up again. To those of you who check in, thank you for putting up with my ups and downs. For now definitely more downs then ups!

Notes

"Most of us here are unaware of the terrific confusion and frustration that mankind is finding themselves in." I read this phrase in some notes i was reading tonight. I would say this describes what Dave is going thru. He could see what Christina and I have spiritually. He was going to meetings but still wasn't really willing for God to do his work and that caused terrific confusion in him,  thus depression and then running from that confusion and frustration. There's a verse in Psalms 48 that is talking about the kings passing by the mount Zion. It says they saw it and they marvelled; they were troubled and hasted away. They turned away from the greatest help they could ever have because there were things troubling them they didn't want to face. The devil is more powerful then we are but God is much more powerful then the devil. We need God's power to fight the devil but if we let the devil have power there is terrific confusion and frustration within us. The devil delights in keeping us from God. He doesn't care how much it might hurt us and others, he just cares about keeping us from the love of God. Love that brings us thru horrible experiences stronger and better off then we started. Love that helps keep the agony under a certain amount of control in the horrible experience. I pray in time that Dave accepts the love of God in his life.

Week over yet?

So it's getting on 6 weeks now and everything is really hitting home hard this week. I've a husband who has his "freedom" but somehow, if he has no problem now, i think he'll have a lot to work thru later. Leaving not only your wife but also mom and kids behind will catch up to a person eventually.  I can't say i have the anger yet because i do believe there's depression feeding what happened, and untreated depression can cause the mind to think in funny ways. I will be here if he ever feels the need to return or get in contact. Sure there would be issues to work out...... I'm not quite THAT naive! Each day this week i feel like i'm riding a little closer to the edge. :(  And I can't afford to breakdown with a daughter to take care of.  God has pulled me thru this far so I know he can help the rest of the way. Now if only I could get a decent nights rest! and eat properly... some days I do ok, others, like today, not so much.

Tough week continues...

I can feel my strength running out... I imagine due mostly to lack of sleep. This afternoon was just one thing after another going wrong, most of which I had no control over. Did realize i'd forgotten to send the state payroll forms via internet Monday, so hoping a couple of days late is ok... "fingers crossed!" I guess one way or another i'll make it thru but for now it's by the smallest of margins. I need to continue to draw strength from God because that's the only way i'll make it. It also hurts knowing that my husband is out there running from life and doing who knows what and there's not a thing i can do to help him. I just hope one day he realizes that his family matters and loves him and lets us know what the deal is. Meanwhile I need to focus on making sure Christina has as normal of a life as I can make it under the circumstances. Patience and prayer.....

A bit of mourning

I really felt like there was mourning going on this morning. I do believe buckets of tears were shed in the process. It's like he's died and yet we really don't know if that's the case, probably a decent chance he hasn't died. I wish he were here but the chance of that happening any time soon at this point is about zero. Knowing his stubbornness it could even be a few years if he's still around. Depression cause people to do such STUPID things! So life goes on, we go thru the stages of completely losing somebody, and learn to live a life on our own. Not what I ever thought I'd have to do at this stage in life. It's hard to get the mind convinced that he's well and truly gone. I'm very grateful for Drew today. She took me out and about, that helped a lot. Looking forward to meeting tonight. And then we'll see if the new medication gets me a decent nights sleep.

Mixed Bag

Part of the day was ok today. Now the tensions back, and I was doing so well this afternoon! I need to get everybody in line for meals at different times. Anybody up for mid day meals?  It's tough trying to cook for just Christina and I. Neither one of us eats much and that makes meal prep a lot harder then it used to be! Plus the company would probably be very beneficial. Prayer is a mighty source of power. Prayer has helped so much. This morning was tough because I was so tired of trying to be strong... even though I need to be. Lack of sleep and not being able to eat properly caught up with me.  Prayer pulled me thru though. And i'm sure that will happen many a time during this process. God sure does work in mysterious ways!

Bumpy....

That lower tension just doesn't want to quite disappear today. I so wish that would just disappear but it's part of the process, not going to gain any fat on those tummy muscles anytime soon anyhow!! I think today was just one of those overwhelming days. 1099's due for clients who didn't give information until today, finding out my 225gb hard drive had 7gb left (computers 4 years old). Luckily we have a portable but still have to do the process of transferring files etc. Then just where i'm at with everything else has made for a very long day.  I just pray that one day Dave gets enough settled in himself to contact us. I've been very realistic with myself on everything, maybe too realistic?  I'm just thankful for God's strength because without it i can't begin to imagine where i'd be.  Grow in patience and Faith, patience for me is a very hard lesson. I don't believe i've ever been a situation where there's absolutely nothing that can be done at all to help resolve it. Kind of takes two people participating for that to happen. So have to patiently wait for God to resolve it. At least he knows what's going on with Dave. That brings a measure of comfort. Enough rambling for now....

Daily Battle

Today, for some reason, has been a rough emotional one so far. I do believe my problem is coming to grips with the fact that Dave was allowed to walk off. God allowed it to happen so there is a purpose, that i know. It's the struggle of part of God's plan in my life to be for someone I've known and loved for 23 years to just disappear, to vanish. I just pray that in this process that Dave finds God, finds the strength that God gives in the battles. Because that's where he's going to find victory over what he's struggling with. Strength comes in prayer and willingness for His will.  For now that's a many times a day process for me because human emotions are so strong. I can see where i've been prepared for this event even naturally. God cares for his own, basic needs are met, not wants but needs.  Oh for the peace of a perfect trust....

A Wonderful Funeral

Virginia's passing was a good reminder of what we have to look forward to. Life has it ups and downs, which i'm quite intimately aware of now a days but the end result is so worth the growth that those ups and downs bring. A good friend messaged me this saying: The test of faith is whether we have patience to await the Lord's time. I guess i obviously need to work on my patience! I believe that this has all happened for a purpose, I just want the end result, what ever it may be, a lot quicker then the plan is! And last of all today.... Appreciate what you have personally and spiritually and don't take it for granted! We get into routines and so forth and lose track of all that we have and hold dear.

Stressed!!!

It's been a really long day! Up and down with the emotions and then to have problems with what i'm working on for work, 15000+ off on an account and it appears everything was entered correctly, HELP!!!  Prayer helped, feel better now luckily. At least my clients were thoughtful, i've never gotten paid so quick in all the years i've been doing bookkeeping! Made the house payment with my income this month YEA!!! I'm thankful when the bad overwhelms the good that there is that place of prayer to bring everything back into line. We're headed to Virginia's funeral tomorrow so see lots of you there. Thank you again.

Another Day

Overall an ok day today. Today it was coming to grips with the fact that Dave doesn't want to come home. That's a real tough one. Sometimes I think I've kind of accepted it and then comes a time when I think of what we did together in a similar situation to the one I'm in at the time.  Today it was when i was entering data for a client on my computer at the table, Dave would have been sitting in the chair not far away. With God's help we're getting thru it though. I asked a client how people get thru something like this without God, his reply was drugs and alcohol. Such a scary thought!

Intense day yesterday

Wow, the last couple of days have been intense emotional days! They left me really jittery last night and this morning. I think the misery Dave must have been in is what has bothered me the most. But God can deliver a person from that misery if they let him so that has been my prayer. That Dave would seek God to help him. We read in Psalms 86 this morning and I now understand the "for I cry unto thee daily" part. My margin has all the day for daily. Cry all the day unto Him, our great help in times of trouble. It also mentions "art a God full of compassion..." in v. 15, love that thought too.  I did get my payroll done yesterday and will start doing a bunch of data entry for another account today. I'm feeling a bit better now writing these rambling thoughts... All take care.

Doing Laundry

For some reason laundry is one of the harder things I've had to do these last few days. Seems weird without Dave's clothes being involved.  Got a bit of work done today though so that was good! Got some payroll mailed out so people can get their W-2's. I love one of the things that Jay mentioned last night in gospel meeting last night; fruit doesn't grow on the mountain top, it grows in the valley. It's the valley experiences that produce our fruit.

Hymn- I need thee every hour....

It definitely is a hour by hour deal sometimes and i'm thankful that God is there at all times. Emotions roller coaster between accepting that God has a perfect plan and being at peace with that to missing Dave a ton with the anxiety that goes with it. I know each day will get a little better but the roller coaster effect on emotions is wearing! I do want him found, him home.... but is that God's plan? Is Dave willing for God's plan, am I willing for God's plan? Going to gospel meeting here real soon so that will help! I will probably say this a lot but i'm very thankful for everyone's love and care for our family and prayers for our family.

First Post

Trying to get myself motivated to finish payroll that's needs to be mailed next Monday/Tuesday. It's been really hard but life doesn't stop for anything and there's God to rely on, which helps a lot.